ME: My allergies are killing me.
CARTER: You’re paying the iron price with your sinuses.
(Note: Carter and I watch Game of Thrones. If you don’t, you should. It’s a-flippin-mazing, in a medievaly-shit kind of way. Anyways, the characters are always talking about paying “The Iron Price,” which, from what I’ve gleaned from the show, means stabbing or getting stabbed with a large knife. Sorry. Sword. My bad. It makes perfect sense in a medievaly shit kind of setting. Not so much in a modern one.)
ME: Babe, I don’t know what that means in a modern context. Do you?
CARTER: Of course I do.
ME: Ok then. What does it mean?
CARTER: Ba ha bwa ha he ha he ha bwe bwe bwe meh heh heh ba ha bwe hehe. Hem. (Note: He
laughs like the Grinch when he has no idea what he’s talking about but wants to seem like he does.)
ME: So you don’t know what it means?
CARTER: Is it my fault that you don’t understand what it means?
ME: I’m going to punch you in the throat.
CARTER: Wow, babe. That’s pretty violent.
ME: Babe, I know I threaten it a lot. And up until now it’s probably been an idle one. But I am just tired and just emotionally fried enough to actually cash in and commence the throat punching. At last.
CARTER: You wouldn’t.
ME: Try me.
CARTER: Well, it seems I would be paying the Iron Price for your lack of understanding.
It would seem that Carter is paying the Iron Price for me having a blog. (Or so says he.)
And as I have bee absent for a while and a lot of real gems have dropped into my lap, I present to you “Shit Carter and/or Kara Said/Did Over the Last Week…. Obsessively”:
– * Yolo
o Note: This is an acronym for “You Only Live Once.” Kara is obsessed and says it all the time. When asked why she is so cranky – “Yolo.” When told to remember to use the hand sanitizer – “Yolo.” When asked if she thinks the man-nurse is cute – “Yolo.” Apparently it is universally applicable.
– * “I’ve got a condo on my wrist, girl. I’m cashing out.”
o This is a lyric from a song. It has since been bastardized as being, from Lola’s point of view, “I’ve got a condo on my collar, dog. I’m cashing out.” (Do, let’s remember that Lola is a labradoodle.)
o Carter told us that we were playing charades today. I love charades, mostly because I’m f***ing awesome at it. He attempted to sign that lyric and the most accurate guess was: “You have a house watch.”
– * ALL of the UVA chants. All the f***ing time. (WTF is a Hoo anyway?)
– * Carter keeps insisting that the primary lyric to the song “Gagnam Style” is “Open Condom Star.” (Note: It isn’t. Not even close.) And Kara has been doing the weird little ride-the-pony move up and down the halls of the hospital. This may or may not freak out some of the older nurses who have never seen the music video.
– * This:
What have we learned this week/weekend?
1. Carter is f***ing terrible at charades.
2. My dogs shed a f**k ton. Not a shit ton. Not a crap ton. Not a plain old ton. A “f**k ton.” Evidence?
|See all that dog hair? I meant to accessorize with that. It’s totally right for my idiom.|
3. If there is any kind of bed-esque set-up, Lolabear assumes it is for her benefit alone.
|What? You mean you didn’t bring out the Sharper Image Memory Foam Pillow for me? WHAT?!?|
4. My allergies really are a bitch.
5. My mother is an addict. Her new drug of choice? Angry Birds. (“Hey mom, what do you want for dinner? Mom? Mom?!? MOM?!?!?” SILENCE. Why? Because she’s murkin’ piggies, that’s why. Bless her heart.)
6. Yolo is rarely, if ever, truly applicable. (Carter would like the record to reflect that he does not condone its usage. I think now is the time to tell him that my blog is not that big a deal to be considered a record of any sort.)
7. Kara cannot watch the nurses switch out the IV fluid on my dad and yet, in the last week and a half, has watched approximately 1,000 hours of Nip/Tuck. Because apparently seeing a man’s face surgically removed is not nearly as traumatizing as a blood pressure cuff.
8. The real NFL Refs are completely necessary. I hate to lose, but if the Football gods demanded a sacrifice of gratitude, I would sacrifice a win in my Fantasy Match-up this week to express my sincere thanks. As a Packers fan, I would also like to formally call the replacement ref that declared that a touchdown a total boob.
9. Carter has taken his interest in etymology too far. I called him an Asshat last night. “Now babe, does that mean that I’m a hat made out of an ass? Or an ass made out of a hat? “My response? Because I am infinitely mature, I replied, “Both. You are an ass made out of a hat wearing a hat made out of an ass. Your Asshattery clearly knows no bounds. I’m impressed, really.” (I told you I married up.)
10. Carter has a condo on his wrist, girls. He’s cashing out.
Happy Saturday, y’all!