"Thank God for that condo on your wrist, you heathen ass-hat."

ME: My allergies are killing me.
CARTER: You’re paying the iron price with your sinuses. 

(Note: Carter and I watch Game of Thrones. If you don’t, you should. It’s a-flippin-mazing, in a medievaly-shit kind of way. Anyways, the characters are always talking about paying “The Iron Price,” which, from what I’ve gleaned from the show, means stabbing or getting stabbed with a large knife. Sorry. Sword. My bad. It makes perfect sense in a medievaly shit kind of setting. Not so much in a modern one.)
ME: Babe, I don’t know what that means in a modern context. Do you?
CARTER: Of course I do.
ME: Ok then. What does it mean?
CARTER: Ba ha bwa ha he ha he ha bwe bwe bwe meh heh heh ba ha bwe hehe. Hem.  (Note: He
laughs like the Grinch when he has no idea what he’s talking about but wants to seem like he does.)
ME: So you don’t know what it means?
CARTER: Is it my fault that you don’t understand what it means?
ME: I’m going to punch you in the throat.
CARTER: Wow, babe. That’s pretty violent.
ME: Babe, I know I threaten it a lot. And up until now it’s probably been an idle one. But I am just tired and just emotionally fried enough to actually cash in and commence the throat punching. At last.
CARTER: You wouldn’t.
ME: Try me.
CARTER: Well, it seems I would be paying the Iron Price for your lack of understanding.

ME: Indeed.
It would seem that Carter is paying the Iron Price for me having a blog. (Or so says he.)
And as I have bee absent for a while and a lot of real gems have dropped into my lap, I present to you “Shit Carter and/or Kara Said/Did Over the Last Week…. Obsessively”:
        * Yolo
o   Note: This is an acronym for “You Only Live Once.” Kara is obsessed and says it all the time. When asked why she is so cranky – “Yolo.” When told to remember to use the hand sanitizer – “Yolo.” When asked if she thinks the man-nurse is cute – “Yolo.” Apparently it is universally applicable.
         *  “I’ve got a condo on my wrist, girl. I’m cashing out.”
o   This is a lyric from a song. It has since been bastardized as being, from Lola’s point of view, “I’ve got a condo on my collar, dog. I’m cashing out.” (Do, let’s remember that Lola is a labradoodle.)
o   Carter told us that we were playing charades today. I love charades, mostly because I’m f***ing awesome at it. He attempted to sign that lyric and the most accurate guess was: “You have a house watch.”
      * ALL of the UVA chants. All the f***ing time.  (WTF is a Hoo anyway?)
      Carter keeps insisting that the primary lyric to the song “Gagnam Style” is “Open Condom Star.” (Note: It isn’t. Not even close.) And Kara has been doing the weird little ride-the-pony move up and down the halls of the hospital. This may or may not freak out some of the older nurses who have never seen the music video.
        * This:
*Aaaaaaand this:
What have we learned this week/weekend?

1.     Carter is f***ing terrible at charades.
2.     My dogs shed a f**k ton. Not a shit ton. Not a crap ton. Not a plain old ton. A “f**k ton.” Evidence?
See all that dog hair? I meant to accessorize with that. It’s totally right for my idiom.
3.     If there is any kind of bed-esque set-up, Lolabear assumes it is for her benefit alone.
What? You mean you didn’t bring out the Sharper Image Memory Foam Pillow for me? WHAT?!?
4.     My allergies really are a bitch.
5.     My mother is an addict. Her new drug of choice? Angry Birds. (“Hey mom, what do you want for dinner? Mom? Mom?!? MOM?!?!?” SILENCE. Why? Because she’s murkin’ piggies, that’s why. Bless her heart.)
6.     Yolo is rarely, if ever, truly applicable. (Carter would like the record to reflect that he does not condone its usage. I think now is the time to tell him that my blog is not that big a deal to be considered a record of any sort.)
7.     Kara cannot watch the nurses switch out the IV fluid on my dad and yet, in the last week and a half, has watched approximately 1,000 hours of Nip/Tuck. Because apparently seeing a man’s face surgically removed is not nearly as traumatizing as a blood pressure cuff.
8.     The real NFL Refs are completely necessary. I hate to lose, but if the Football gods demanded a sacrifice of gratitude, I would sacrifice a win in my Fantasy Match-up this week to express my sincere thanks. As a Packers fan, I would also like to formally call the replacement ref that declared that a touchdown a total boob.
9.     Carter has taken his interest in etymology too far. I called him an Asshat last night. “Now babe, does that mean that I’m a hat made out of an ass? Or an ass made out of a hat? “My response? Because I am infinitely mature, I replied, “Both. You are an ass made out of a hat wearing a hat made out of an ass. Your Asshattery clearly knows no bounds. I’m impressed, really.” (I told you I married up.)
10. Carter has a condo on his wrist, girls. He’s cashing out.
Happy Saturday, y’all!

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  1. is dad feeling any better??? i hope so. i have taken to talking like a crab boat captain. to be nice to my husband or to divert my husband’s attention while i shop online – its one of those. i have watched back to back to back seasons of dealiest cathch. my vernacular has explanded to include such lovelies as “get out of my f**king wheel house, shut up and fish, and my favorite i say to my husband “if you want to be a full-share hand on this boat buddy, i want to see you out on that deck hauling ass”

    tomorrow i’m taking a rug-hooking class. i hope a fight doesn’t break out with the ladies. i’ll have to go all nautical on their asses

    as my bff demi lovota says “stay strong”
    ps she is not really my best friend but my sister is obsessed with her being on xfactor. so i pretend to know a lot about demi and tell my sister a few teeny lies about “funny things my demi does”
    xx

    • Dad is slowly making strides. He’s been having some setbacks, but the doctors and nurses are on top of them and he’s making progress. Inch at a time!

      I am really excited by the notion of your crab boat captain alter ego. If you don’t mind, I’m going to tell Carter to “get out of my f***ing wheelhouse” next time I want to call him an ass-hat. It has a nice ring to it! 🙂

      Rug hooking class? That sounds fascinatingly Little House on the Prairie! I’m jealous! I went to the Laura Ingalls Wilder Homestead in Arkansas and may or may not have thought it to be my personal Mecca. (I was 10 at the time.) But they taught us to make a braided rug out of old scraps of cloth. (Because so many of us keep sacks of “of scraps of cloth.”) Alas.

      Your comments on Demi made me choke on my coffe, though. Kudos, Bev! 🙂 You should write a post about your knowledge about Demi!

      xx as well!

    • my bff demi has a sack of cloth in her closet. she attended a rug making workshop in rehab to help address her self-injurious behaviors. the workshop was entitled “braiding over bleeding”

  2. I am ashamed to say I’m not familiar with this song, but now I MUST find it, since I’ll never be able to hear it without cracking the heck-y up!
    Your use of ass hat is BEYOND impressive! I am officially bowing to your mad ass hat skills. *cracks head on desk while attempting to bow from a seated position ’cause I’m lazy like that*
    They REALLY need to create a 12 step program for the Birds! I am a shameless addict too…have NOT read a book since I was given a Kindle Fire…it has the Birds on it! I’m obsessed with 3 starring every darned level. (What is wrong with us?)
    I HATE hospitals and the ICU is the worst! Tell your sis to ride that damned pony for all it’s worth and laugh her booty off while she’s doing it!
    And last, hugs and prayers to you and your whole family!

    • For your education:

      Here is the video about “Open Condom Star.” Pay close attention to the scene in the park when the lead singer does the awkward ride the pony move and scares off a bunch of tourists. It’s infinitely hip. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9bZkp7q19f0

      And here is the video about the condo on Carter’s wrist. If you’re anything like me, you’ll get to the first refrain and then have to lie down for a bit. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C9mfuifkZgc

      I’m glad you enjoyed the whole ass-hat bit. We have fun, even if I am a litle verbally hostile sometimes. What can I say? I’m an artist in profanity.

      You’ve given me an idea for a blog post – the 12 step Angry Birds Program. It’s happening. Hopefully it will be helpful to you. I need good posts since I signed up to do this NaBloPoMo thing on BlogHer and I IMMEDIATELY regretted it – a post EVERY DAY! EVERY FREAKIN DAY! Lawd help me. (But for the record, I MUST get 3 stars too. If I don’t I feel like I’m failing at life.)

      Thanks for the hugs and prayers! I speak for the rest of the gang when I tell you how much they mean! (And in the words of Bev, xx right back atcha!)

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