I’m lizzing!

How I know I’m turning into Liz Lemon:

– I effing love tator tots.

– I work with nerds.

– Glasses.

– I love blazers.

– I say “blurg” an awful lot.

– I, too, want to marry astronaut Mike Dexter. (Kidding, Carter. Kidding)

– I love rules and am annoyed when people disregard them. Examples include:

a) People who use the median to get ahead of a traffic jam. It’s not as if we don’t all have somewhere to be, asshole.  

b) Take a penny, leave a penny. It’s not effing charity. It’s a resource. RESPECT THE TRADE! 

c) Don’t park your mini van in the compact spot. 

d) Don’t park in the expectant mother’s spot if you’re a 16 year old boy. (I’m not expecting. But someday I will be. And karma will be a bitch, young man. Oh, yes.)  

e) Let me off the elevator before you get on. It’s common courtesy.  

f) Stop staring at my sandwich. Yes I’m going to finish it. (I’m talking about a literal sandwich, you pervs.)  

g) When on an airport people mover (or as Carter calls it, the moving sidewalk) DO stand to one side to allow others to pass safely on the left. DO IT. DO IT ALWAYS. Do NOT stand in the middle with your 9 piece set of Louis Vuitton luggage and look at me like I’m crazy for being annoyed that you’re such an inconsiderate jack-wagon.  

h) Assist me with my own oxygen mask before securing your own. I’m helpless. Really. I won’t survive the zombie apocalypse. (Just kidding. The FAA will find you.) 

i) Don’t go in the express check out line at the supermarket when you have 1,000 items. Because we all know that the 14 year old cashier ain’t gonna call you on it. But I will. ….while hiding behind my Real Simple magazine.  

j) Spay and neuter your pets and tip your bartender. ‘Cause she’s broke. 

– When I go to the bars with my friends, I would be way more happy if a guy bought me mozzarella sticks than if he bought me a drink. True statement.

– Workin’ on the night cheese.

This was Carter and me in the early days. I wish I was joking. 
– I have “lizzed.” (Note: This is when you laugh so hard you wiz a little. Laugh. Wiz. Liz. As in, “I’m lizzing. I’m lizzing!”)

– I own multiple Snuggies. My dog even has a snuggie. (See above video)

– Every time I go to The Container Store, I envision that the organization will dramatically change my life overnight. Meaning, I will be a multi-millionaire rockstar-writer-goddess with a labradoodle farm like in 101 Dalmatians. (A Dalmatian Plantation. Remember?) Then I wake up, and while my canned goods are stacked in an orderly fashion and there is a nifty rack in my fridge for white wine, I still sometimes get my hairbrush stuck in my hair and occasionally forget to put on deodorant. Yep. Clearly The Container Store is a magical place. 
Happy Tuesday, y’all! 
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Comments:

  1. wow. remind me to have the mozza sticks and tator tots piping hot when you come for dinner. wouldn’t want a whole can of kate to go off on my ass. just kidding.
    i have been in bed for over a week with the flu. i seem to have been deemed the resident virus tester of our family. hope all is well with you. i catching up on your posts backwards so sorry in advance if i have insulted you. xx

  2. Bev! I hope you’re feeling better and that your family has been spoiling you with chicken soup and cold medicine! No offense at all!

    I would never go off on your ass, Bev. Unless you came at me with a jellyfish. Or became a zombie. Then all bets are off. 🙂

    But oh, how I do love tator tots and mozzarella sticks.

  3. I will not lie, I have no clue who Liz Lemon is, but I completely know where you’re coming from with the rules! I am a HUGE sticler for the rules!
    Seriously! People look at me and assume I’m such a rebel, but without the rules there is chaos. With chaos, there is no room for rebels. So see? People NEED the rules! *grin*

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