How I know I’m turning into Liz Lemon:
– I effing love tator tots.
– I work with nerds.
– I love blazers.
– I say “blurg” an awful lot.
– I, too, want to marry astronaut Mike Dexter. (Kidding, Carter. Kidding)
– I love rules and am annoyed when people disregard them. Examples include:
a) People who use the median to get ahead of a traffic jam. It’s not as if we don’t all have somewhere to be, asshole.
b) Take a penny, leave a penny. It’s not effing charity. It’s a resource. RESPECT THE TRADE!
c) Don’t park your mini van in the compact spot.
d) Don’t park in the expectant mother’s spot if you’re a 16 year old boy. (I’m not expecting. But someday I will be. And karma will be a bitch, young man. Oh, yes.)
e) Let me off the elevator before you get on. It’s common courtesy.
f) Stop staring at my sandwich. Yes I’m going to finish it. (I’m talking about a literal sandwich, you pervs.)
g) When on an airport people mover (or as Carter calls it, the moving sidewalk) DO stand to one side to allow others to pass safely on the left. DO IT. DO IT ALWAYS. Do NOT stand in the middle with your 9 piece set of Louis Vuitton luggage and look at me like I’m crazy for being annoyed that you’re such an inconsiderate jack-wagon.
h) Assist me with my own oxygen mask before securing your own. I’m helpless. Really. I won’t survive the zombie apocalypse. (Just kidding. The FAA will find you.)
i) Don’t go in the express check out line at the supermarket when you have 1,000 items. Because we all know that the 14 year old cashier ain’t gonna call you on it. But I will. ….while hiding behind my Real Simple magazine.
j) Spay and neuter your pets and tip your bartender. ‘Cause she’s broke.
– When I go to the bars with my friends, I would be way more happy if a guy bought me mozzarella sticks than if he bought me a drink. True statement.
– Workin’ on the night cheese.