Dogs Shaped Like Peepers and Why I Need to Get the F*ck Off Pinterest

I need to get the hell off Pinterest. Why? 

Because I just pinned this:

http://pinterest.com/pin/9499849185733825/

Yes. That is Wall-E petting a cat’s nose. And yes, that is so adorable that I just died. A lot.

When I was planning my wedding, my days on Pinterest were spent pinning things like this:

http://pinterest.com/pin/277041814549050201/

And this:

I saw this and instantly hated my wedding dress. Ok, not really. But I did suddenly hate the person who got to wear this.http://pinterest.com/pin/124763852148662342/

Aaaand this:

Isn’t that f*cking gorgeous? Don’t you just wanna slap on your Evenstar and marry yourself some Aragorn in a lovely and inclusive ceremony under that huppah? Of course you do. 
http://pinterest.com/pin/18436679696164423/

But now that I’m married, my Pinnings have become, well, see for yourself….

http://pinterest.com/pin/274156696037954120/

And this:

http://pinterest.com/pin/165296248794184054/

Aaaaaaand this:

I pinned this with the caption “I think I just peed myself.” Because I kinda did. Because this is my future. I think.
http://pinterest.com/pin/29062360067108381/

Yep. Dogs and boobs. Those seem to be my Pinterests. And dogs that look like penises (More on that later. Promise.). Aaaand this little fella:

http://pinterest.com/pin/165085142562588755/
http://pinterest.com/pin/12807180161810312/
http://pinterest.com/pin/41517627786348582/

He’s not as elegant as The Colonel (That’s Colonel Meow to you, minions.), but there’s just something about him that has driven me to pin every single picture of him I can find. He’s so frowny! And before you start in on me, let’s get some things straight:

1. I will not apologize.

2. There is nothing wrong with finding this very grumpy cat squee-able.

3. I need to start pinning some better things.

Riiiight after this:

http://pinterest.com/pin/275493702177182809/

Ok. That was the last one, I promise!

Amy, my friend from life and blogfriend over at ADDled is a Pinterest genius. GENIUS. And she’s got all these really awesome Pinboard names like:

– Nerds!
– Buy Me Something Pretty
– I Want to Go to There (Because she is as witty as the effervescently funny LizLemon/TinyFey.)
– Kids Love Birthdays
– Crafty & Foxy
– Put a Bird on It
– To Hell With Housework

And my favorite of her Pin Boards: Furniture Porn. 

Wanna know what my Pinboards are named?

– My Wedding
– To Be Worn
– Makes Me Laugh
– Executive Veganism
– Crafting
– Travel
– Nested: A Blog (Because I’m unimaginative AND a fame-whore. Note: I don’t even pin things to this. I just have it.) 

Maybe my approach is all wrong. Maybe I need to stop viewing Pinterest as a way to get memes. Because here’s a typical night in the Nest:

ME: OMG, I just found the funniest thing on Pinterest.

CARTER: What is it?

ME: Behold!

http://pinterest.com/pin/458663543269656593/

And repeat that conversation about 60 times in 3 hours with the following examples:

http://pinterest.com/pin/458663543269656588/
I promised and I delivered. I give you: Dogs that are shaped like penises.http://pinterest.com/pin/458663543269656574/

http://pinterest.com/pin/458663543269656533/

Yea, I see what my sister keeps saying. She pointed out, not so politely, that when I’m on Pinterest, I sit indian-style in the corner of the couch in my muumuu (which I am wearing over Carter’s sweatpants and under his football hoodie) and giggle maniacally as I annoy the bajeezits out of everyone in the room by repeatedly making them come look at the awesome and hilarious shit I’m pinning.

Yes, I know. It’s a glamorous life I live.

So it appears that I have two choices if I want to avoid divorce and/or disinheritance:

1. Get the hell of Pinterest.

2. Start pinning useful shit like homemade windex or tutorials for making fake snow for your deprived children out of a microwaved bar of white dial soap that you painstakingly shred with your own two hands into a snow-like mixture that your kids will play with for 10 minutes, get bored, and whine that they want a pony.

3. Pin how to make a pony out of a microwaved bar of white dial soap.

I think we all know that #1 is not an option and #3 is just impossible. So we’re left with #2. (Shut up, ye dirty minds of the internet. Be gone with thy gutter brains and potty humor!) 

(Come back tomorrow. It’s gonna be a doozy.) 

And so here is my promise to Kara, Carter, my family, and, I guess, y’all:

I, Kate/Katie of the blog, Nested, do so solemnly swear to stop pinning, exclusively, pictures of dogs that look like penises, grumpy cats, and memes of Hilary Clinton texting sardonically. 

I will pin useful things, like recipes to feed you, homemade shower cleaner, and step-by-step instructions for making a pinata out of old t-shirts.

I will avoid Tard the Grumpy Cat and all of his allure even though, so help me God, it may kill me. 

I will rename all of my Pinboards with clever titles, such as: “I can’t underwater-basket-weave but here are some other, less cool crafts” and “Foods that will make me fat” and “Foods that will not make me fat but will therefore make me homicidal” and “Things I would have learned if sexism hadn’t prevented me from being a Boy Scout.” And I will pin to them, so help me, I will pin all the things. 

I will stop subjecting all of my friends and family to my maniacal pinnings and will instead allow them to find them on their own “Pin Feed” as the Pinterest gods intended. 

I will feature handcrafts that I have made on this blog and will add them to Pinterest so that the world will know what a crafty bitch I am. 

 I will stop pinning wedding things because, as it has been pointed out to me, I’ve “already done got married already.” And I will not cry about it. Because big girls don’t cry over Pinterest. Or spilled milk. Allegedly.  

And finally, I will actually make the crafty things that I pin. All of them. 

http://pinterest.com/pin/458663543269549623/

 Yea. We’ll see how long this lasts.

Happy Friday, y’all!

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Comments:

  1. I’m 100% unashamedly addicted to Pinterest and its counterpart, Pinstrosity: http://pinstrosity.blogspot.com/

  2. THIS is why I can’t go on Pinterest….EVER! I have a bit of an addictive personality and tumblr eats alot of my life outside of the blog (I don’t even have my own tumblr account!).

    That said…the dog shaped like a penis was fricking funny! 😀

  3. Well. THAT statement will be in the bin within a day’s time…

  4. All I want to figgin know is WHY haven’t wee found each other on pinterest yet!?! I WANT to see Tard and penis dogs and stuff! This is so friggin’ unfair. *stomps off to pout in corner*

  5. The Peeps peeps show made me howl … In carpool line. It’s okay, the other moms already think I’m crazy. Thanks for the shout out!

  6. I spent 3 hours one night looking at pinterest and decided that it was for the best that I never go back on there. My children and my nursing license depend on me staying off. But somehow I found your page and spent at least an hour laughing at your pinnings (Doubleodora and the peep show were high on the list).

  7. i’m with amy. i ‘m laughing alone, sitting in the dark, in my car, waiting for my kid to finish piano lessons and now i want to storm into the church and show piano lady the peep show and maybe even penis dog. but because i’ve already been scolded for using bad language in the church, i’ll just sit here alone……and laugh.

    great post.

  8. Oh my word, dying laughing! I’m starting to become a pinning junkie. And I have yet to make even one craft that I’ve pinned. Lol

    • I never make anything! But I always have such grand intentions! I’ve even gone to Hobby Lobby and bought the equipment to make some of my pins. But all of the stuff is still in the HL bags in my closet. 🙁

  9. Discovered you on Blogher a week ago and still hooked…when I’m trying to figure out what to type and can’t come up with any ideas…I look at your dog shaped like ****** and giggle my fool head off!

  10. This is why I’ve not heeded Pinterest’s siren song. Just don’t have time for all the cuteness and penis-shaped dogs. But I’m diggin’ that table. Hmmm. Oh, to be able to afford my MFA, let alone my PH-fricken-d! Alas, perhaps in another life. Apply on, dear Kate, be not swayed by viral cuteness.

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