The 12 Most Ridiculous Awesome Things You Could Find In Your Stocking (All under $20) (I also confess my addiction to Tard the Grumpy Cat. Apologetically? You’ll just have to read and see.)

Ok, so I may have a problem. In the last week, the following have been posted to/for me:

December 7

December 10

You should go check out her blog, incidentally. It’s wonderful. And I feel bad for lying to her – I haven’t updated my “Blogs I Love” section. But I am tonight. Promise. 

December 11

Carter made me a Lola the Grumpy Doodle meme. Precious, isn’t he?

December 12

This really is the crowning moment. And while I don’t necessarily need this tattoo, it’s been such a bad, weird day that if a tattoo artist walked up to me and said, “Hey there, lady. I’ve got clean needles and a picture of this really grumpy cat. Can I put it on you?” I would probably say yes. And by “probably,” I mean that Tard the Grumpy Cat would be forever immortal upon my ass. 

ME: It’s already happened! I am an old cat lady!

CARTER: No you’re not. You just really like Tard the Grumpy Cat (Note: Tard is short for Tardar Sauce)

ME: But I’m on my way! I’m gonna be an old cat lady!!!!!

CARTER: No! Because I don’t want that many cats, grumpy or otherwise!!!

ME: Well then I’m gonna be an old dog lady, with all of my dozens of weiner dogs draped over me like little sluggish Salvador Dali clocks.

CARTER: What happened to the labradoodle farm?

ME: Oh right. It’ll be like that commercial, only instead of my boots not being boots but cats, I’ll be all “No, that’s not a duvet. It’s the comforter formed by all 30 of my giant, majestic labradoodles laying adjacently in my bed. Because labradoodle snuggles are the best–

CARTER: [vicious glare]

ME: …kind of animal snuggles?

CARTER: That’s better.

ME: I dunno, though. I bet Tard’s a pretty good snuggler, even if she is passive aggressive and cranky. In my experience, cranky people make the best snugglers. Maybe that’s what’s wrong with you. 

CARTER: It’s only eternity, self. You can get through this, self.

There, now that you’ve seen a little slice of my domestic bliss, we can go right into the topic of the day.

Yes, I’m aware that I introduced that I had a problem and then totally glossed over that fact by making it seem like I don’t really think I have a problem. Well done, me. Because I don’t have a problem. Other than loving too much. And baking bread that is too delicious. And knowing how to knit in a straight line too well.

Ready for me to go back to the topic of the day yet? Of course you are. But in honor of 12-12-12 and the last repeating date any of us will ever see, I’ll give you two bonus, so….

The 12 Most RidiculousAwesome Things You Could Find In Your Stocking (All under $20)

Did you ever say to yourself, “Golly, but I’m tired of drawing a face on my hand with lipstick and a sharpie so that I can name it Buffalo Bill and talk to it”? Have we got the solution for you: Animal and Monster Hand Tattoos. Now you can be friends with a monster and a zebra at the same time! Isn’t that cool, kids? You betcha! 

If it’s good enough for Voldemort, it’s good enough for me. And, as the can says, it’s an excellent source of sparkles, which my doctor says I’m deficient in. And vitamin D. I’m also deficient in vitamin D. It’s apparently really serious and vitamin D keeps your muscles from turning into jerky, your bones from shattering, and cancer from taking over every centimeter of your body. I may be exaggerating. But only a little. Sparkles just make you feel pretty inside.

It’s a bird! It’s a plane! No! It’s your husband standing in his underwear in front of the fan so that he not only has the enjoyment of a light breeze on his twig and berries but ALSO so that the capes on his awesome superhero socks will fan in the wind behind him majestically. Or you. you could wear them, too. I’m not sexist. 

I may or may not have salivated all over my desk, keyboard, and lap when I found these. They are, unfortunately, made with real bacon, and are therefore off limits to me until I drop another 25 lbs off the old tuckus. But you, you dear friends, should buy them and video yourself eating them so that I can live vicariously through you. ….Actually, that would look remarkably like porn. So.. better not video it. Just write me a review or something, but spare no details. I want it dirty, dirty and bacon-y. 

Whether you are a vegetarian or a carnivore or anything in between, you’re sure to get a laugh out of the antics of those crazy kids, Mr. Bacon and Monsieur Tofu. I’m confused as to what it is about tofu that is particularly french, but his monocle has won me over and so I’m going to stop asking questions. 

Ok, so this kit claims to contain both the history and methods of ancient Chinese medicine men and women who divined the future through the reading of tea leaves. I cannot even visit Web M.D., so this is out for me. But for the mystic in your life, it’s kind of neat. Plus, if you’re challenged and don’t have The Sight, you at least get a cuppa. Am I right or am I right? Or am I right? 

Who said toys were just for kids? This toy is awesome! Put him on your desk (I know I want to) and watch people smile as they walk by. Maybe even do an impression of Chewie. And if they ask you what the hell he is, say “He’s a Chewbacca plush, mother f*cker!” emphatically. Then, you should apologize for implying that they’re inappropriately into people’s moms and recommend that they watch the original Star Wars movies. Then you should probably race to HR so that you can get your story on the books before they tattle on you for yelling at them (i.e. singing the Wookie friendship song) and calling them a mother f*cker (i.e. …ok, you did do that. But who the hell doesn’t know who Chewbacca is? They totally deserved it. And you deserve a medal. And a hug.) 

Because who doesn’t love a good surprise at the bottom of every cup of coffee? Did you know that more hippos kill people than any other wild animal? I bet it’s because of heart attacks caused by this little baby looking at you. Or this coming at you….
Either way. 

He’s got a big head, and little arms, kids. But he can help you brew a mean cup of that loose-leaf Oolong tea you won at the raffle at your office Christmas party but have no idea what to do with. (If you suspect you sensed a trend here, you did. I like tea. And I like bacon, even thought I can’t eat it because of my damned executive veganism. Oh, I’m also a huge nerd.)

And yes, that is the actual product name. This fiesty feline certainly seems to be enjoying her walk. This is one of those gifts that is only awesome because you can return it for the gift credit and buy something better. Like beer. Or tampons. 

Isn’t that true of all of us, though? I kind of want to put this out and have guests be all, “But you don’t have a weiner.” And I’ll be like, “Exactly.” And Carter will divorce me. 

Ok. So THIS is how we are supposed to use our blankets with sleeves. I would like to say more on this, but I’ve just realized that every Snuggie I own (4) was bought for me by my grandmother, which just makes me feel really weird right now. That, and my parents read this blog. So…. yea. I cannot use this stocking stuffer because I am a virgin (for all of the above-stated reasons) and my Snuggie is to be used for warmth only (ditto). But have fun, y’all! And, as with the bacon suckers, write a review for me. (But don’t, under any circumstances, video. PLEASE.)
There was also a startling amount of John Wayne Memorabilia (Have I mentioned that I have a giant crush on John Wayne? Yes, I know he’s no longer with us, but when the zombie apocalypse happens, if he rises from the ground, I would totally let him eat my brain. THAT’s fan status. You little Beliebers  know nothing of loyalty.) In addition, I saw a gingerbread house made of cheese (….so not really a gingerbread house), a towel warmer, and a book entitled “F U Penguin: Telling Cute AnimalsWhat’s What” but alas, they were all beyond the $20 limit. Except for the book. That’s a bargain at $10.20.

I hope this has given you lots of ideas for fun and awesome stocking stuffers. And I hope that you’ll bear with me while I do some thanking for a minute. To all of you lovely bloggers and friends who have reached out and pimped me and my little blog to your followers, I am so very grateful. You all rock. Thank you for helping a gal reach her goal. If there’s any way I can help you on your road to internet fame, count me in your entourage. I make terrific snack mix for on-the-road munchies.

And to the rest of you, be sure to stop by my Blogs I Love page (top, right) and check out some of these amazing blogs. And if you like them, please do all of the following exercizes that you’ve practiced on my blog. Followers make a difference for us, professionally, so give us bloggers a happy Christmas, Hahhukuh, Kwanza, what-have-you and follow us! Follow us all! And in return we will love you forever. And continue to make fools of ourselves by telling deeply personal stories online so that you can laugh. That’s love, kittens. 
Happy Hump Day, Y’all! And Happy Last Repetitive Date Until the Next Millenium (y’all)
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  1. I applaud you for finding such an extensive list of crazy ridiculous stuff. Such a fun post!


  2. Oh my god, these lists! I’m dying!! bahaha! I NEED them all! And it’s so funny that everyone has stepped up and taken the initiative to save/list/forward grumpy cat stuff to you, myself included of course. lol. Either this says something about you or about the rest of us..possibly both? It’s okay that you didn’t put me up right away. Like I said, I totally wasn’t expecting anything in return. I just love your blog and wanted to help you with your goal. But thank you again for plugging me. 🙂

    • Yes you do! I think it’s really sweet that everyone is enabling my Tard the Grumpy Cat addiction. But hey, it’s not meth, right? I’m glad you like me blog – yours is wonderful too! And you are officially on the Blogs I Love section, which is probably not nearly as big a deal as I make it out to be in my head, haha. 🙂

  3. God, I really laughed at these. Especially the welcome mat, that really did it for me.

    And… erm… I’d love to taste unicorn meat…

    • I LOVE the welcome mat. Everyone needs it. I’d be a little bit afraid to eat real unicorn meat, you know, after what Dumbledore said and all. But we could ask the North Koreans, since they have them apparently.

  4. personally, i’m all about the unicorn meat. every single day i learn something new from this blog. i think i must live in a proper cave – i had no idea who grumpy cat was. thanks for making me a better person.

  5. Love my visits as I am sure to be entertained and chuckle out loud. How you found these things is amazing to me.

  6. You know what’s the weirdest part about getting married? Now your grandparents assume that you have sex because it’s your wifely duty. Man, I remember the first time Jonathan and I stayed at my grandparents house after we were married, and it was like, “Really? We can sleep in the same bed? And you’re not referring to him as my ‘friend’ anymore?”

    And once you have a kid, you can’t hide your sexin’ from anybody.

    • That is pretty weird. I’ve never stayed at my grandparents as a married person – holy crap! You’ve just given me lots to be anxious about.

      And I’d never thought about it, but you’re right. I should probably start preparing myself now, because even though it won’t be weird to anyone else, it will be weird for me.

  7. I want the whole list of 12 awesome things….starting with the hand tattoo….I’d totally have a Reptar (Rugrats) done! It’d rock in job interviews too!

    Also bacon lollipops…..fricking bacon lollipops! My world is complete!

  8. I totally freaked out, dropped everything I was doing and sneakily (totally a word) changed my Christmas list to include Wonder Woman socks, because they have a CAPE. (Although do you really need a reason?) This post is awesome.

    • I’m so glad you did! You deserve them! Anyone that can handle the chaos of 4 kids and still have time to blog AND exercise MUST be Wonder Woman. And now everyone at your gym will know it – tiny capes fluttering behind you on the treadmill, majestically waving.

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