I maybe definitely said the word "whore" in a live broadcast.

So yesterday started out to be a gloomy, boring sort of Thursday. And then all of a sudden it wasn’t.

I was at work, doing humdrum office work things, when I got an email alert on my phone. I checked it and nearly spit my coffee everywhere. It was an email from one of the producers at HuffPost Live asking me if I would be interested to go on the show later that day to talk about my experiences with WebMD. She linked me to one of my posts that they had found. Of course, I said yes.

She called me to do the pre-air “work-up” and asked me a lot of questions about my experiences with WebMD. I talked a lot about the blog and my sister’s addiction to WebMD and how she’s always convinced that her sinus pain = brain tumor. And then I mentioned the whole appendicitis thing.

PRODUCER: Oh my gosh! So, WebMD saved your life! It saved your life!

ME: I mean, I guess so. I would have gone to the ER eventually, like when I lost all feeling in my extremities or something. But it gave me the push I needed to go sooner, I guess.

I was getting really excited about the whole thing. Ok. I was getting even more excited about the whole thing. 
And then I saw this:
Yea. You read that correctly. A doctor. A lawyer. And an “Extreme Hypochondriac.”

Well, shit.

Yep. There go all of my inappropriate anecdotes about my Great-Aunts and their Roundtable of Competitive Hypochondrianism. There go all of my inappropriate jokes about plugging my symptoms into the symptom checker just for fun.

I started to get wheezy. And then I started to feel all vomity. (I didn’t, you’ll be proud to do. Puke, I mean. I didn’t puke. I did, however, stress-eat some trail mix.) And then some lovely people talked me down from the ledge. A good college friend who works for CSPAN told me to chill out and be myself. Carter told me to chill out and be myself. My dad told me to chill out and be myself.

My mom told me to be like the mighty Lolabear when faced with a staircase. (For the kids just joining up, Lola, or Lolabear, is my 85+ pound labradoodle. She is, incidentally, terrified of stairs.)

Actually, this is what she said. It’s super adorbs-balls, by the way, and I love her so much.

And I think that, like the tremendously   brave     timid     chicken-shit but wants to see what’s at the top of the stairs    cautiously optimistic Lolabear, I “made it up the stairs.”
I should also mention that when we text, my mom and I refer to each other as Cher. It started out that she was Cher and I was Sonny, but I decided that I didn’t want to be a mustachioed man and so now we are both Cher. Complete with the “Whooaa”ing that goes with being Cher. And now you not only think I’m weird, but that I am insane. 

Anyway, I had nothing to be nervous about – the lawyer was very sweet, the doctor was fabulous and made me was to ditch my sexy General Practitioner and move to New York to be her patient, and the Extreme Hypochondriac had a sense of humor about her….malady. And our host was hilarious, I thought at least. Maybe it was the stress. …or the fact that I couldn’t “eat my feelings” on live broadcast and needed to focus on something else, so he became the funniest person in the world. Either way. Either way. Here’s the link.  
I said weird things like “whore” on live broadcast, asked “What the heck, WebMD?” twice, and told a girl with a clinically diagnosed psychological malady to “triage” her WebMD symptoms. Yea. Get a triage, kittens. But I had a fabulous time! 

And then Carter skipped out on work to take me out for a celebration dinner at my favorite restaurant. And I had a Blackberry Lemon Old Fashioned. And then I had another. And then we got Pinkberry. And then we came home and watched TV. The Big Bang Theory was on. Carter was playing some celebratory Diablo. I was pinning all the things. Then King of the Nerdscame on.

CARTER: Do you want to watch it?

ME: Well, they’ve been advertising the shit out of it for a few weeks now. And I like the little nerd in the plaid who raps.

CARTER: OK, then.

ME: I’ll give it the first segment. If we’re not interested by the first commercial, we’ll change it.

CARTER: Deal.

[2 segments later….]

ME: I can’t believe that they’re making them pick teams like the kickball teams we all feared in elementary school. I never got picked, or if I did, it was always last. Because they thought I was a nerd who was bad at kickball.

CARTER: You took a kickball to the face, you said.

ME: Well yea! Because they never let me practice! I could have been a great proficient!

CARTER: You took a kickball to the face, babe.

ME:  So!

CARTER: You know, I was a nerd and was still always picked in the first round for kickball.

ME: You know, you can be a real dick sometimes.

CARTER: I love you too.

ME: Oh no! Alana didn’t get picked! She’s like my 2nd to last favorite, but I still feel bad! Why are they traumatizing these people to relive their elementary school PE nightmares!

CARTER: It does kind of suck. And makes me not want to watch it anymore. So we’re safe. We won’t get into this show.

ME: OH. MY. GOSH. The fact that she didn’t get picked is the nerdiest thing ever, they said, and now she has all the power! OMG! OMG! She’s in charge! Nerdiness! I love that they turned this on it’s head!

CARTER: Crikey, you’re right! Not getting picked is the nerdiest thing you can do. By not winning, she won the challenge! That is brilliant. (He didn’t say “crikey.” But I’m trying to cut down on his swearing. His. Not mine.)

ME: Faith restored. Ok. Now we don’t have to watch anymore. Unless you want to. I mean, there’s nothing else on right now.

CARTER: We’re going to be watching this every week, aren’t we?

ME: Babe. I not only endured, but voluntarily tuned into, weekly, all three seasons of Rock of Love with Brett Michaels AND Shot at Love with Tila Tequila. …and I may have watched the last season of Flava of Love. This is not beneath me.
   

CARTER: [stunned silence]

ME: What? You have no idea. The first season of Rock of Love was beautiful.

CARTER: Ok. Maybe this will be a step up for you.

ME: Well it sure ain’t no Kardashians.

CARTER: You have a problem.

ME: I love you too, babe.

I realize that if you did not watch last night’s premier of King of the Nerds, that whole conversation will read like gibberish to you. But let me tell you, as a nerd, I can honestly say that it was at least an intriguing show. Even if the most fun part was screaming at the TV that if Vicar (or whatever his name is) is a hacker for realsies, he shouldn’t be telling everyone and national television that he’s a hacker. It’s like fight club. Never tell anyone about fight club. Or hacking. Or the fact that you compare all of your boyfriends to Bruce Wayne. There was also wizard chess and then some weird cosplay with a gladiator and a woman dressed as a slutty cat. So if that didn’t get you, I don’t know what will.

Anyway, I guess the lessons to be learned from yesterday are as follows:

1.       Write about what you want to, even if it’s awkward and weird and makes you worry about going to your high school reunion because now everyone knows about your broken uterus and your broken body and your broken-ish foot that makes you cry when you put your socks on. You might end up on HuffPost Live.

2.       Give weird TV a chance. While it will never go down as my favorite show and may not turn out to be a particularly good show, King of the Nerds will provide hours of entertainment for Carter and I.

3.       I can boast really awesome taste in TV (Community, Modern Family, Downton Abbey, Parks and Rec, 30 Rock, Raising Hope, etc.)

4.       I can also boast really bad taste in TV. I am obsessed with Sister Wives and have seen every single episode of 19 Kids and Counting. …and Keeping Up With the Kardashians. ….and Real Housewives of New  Jersey. It’s fine. It’s not a thing.

5.       My dream job is now to work for HuffPost. And yours should be too.

6.       Bourbon is an excellent celebratory item. As are mussels. Actually, those are good anytime.

7.       I have the best blog readers in the world! As I said last night, without this blog, they never would have asked me to go on, and without y’all and your support, I wouldn’t have this blog. So thank you, thank you, THANK YOU! You are the best and I love you so much!

Happy Friday, y’all!

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Comments:

  1. That is awesome! What an exciting experience. Oh, and I LOVE your mom.

  2. Damn, Kate, you are my hero.

  3. So glad you had fun with this! I’m quite sure I would have had to take lined index cards with premade notes and answered all questions and comments by my notes, even if they didn’t make sense at all.

  4. Kate, that’s great! Awesome to see this and I can relate since I actually did diagnose myself on the internet after multiple doctors missed my advanced Lyme disease and they were getting ready to send me to yet another specialist to do grueling testing to determine my problem. I had to ASK for the test because I had researched and found that I had all the symptoms on WebMD and other internet sites. They did agree to test me and I friggin’ had it! I’m a success story. Sort of ;0)

  5. Sounds like a great experience. Congrats!

  6. Hey, I commented last night … is that post gone or was I hallucinating? I’m glad you pushed through the fear and did the interview. You did just fine! Like I said yesterday, not that this should matter, you three women kinda reminded me of Charlie’s Angels. And I had no idea about your experience with webmd and the ensuing surgery. Wow.

  7. i am so proud of you. i watched it at 2 in the morning (in bed) and woke my husband up. he said “what the hell are your doing?” i said “kate’s on tv” he said “who the hell is kate?” and i said “you remember the lovely girl who is coming to live here if there is a zombie apocalypse” he said, “oh right”

    big yahoo from the north. xx

  8. My computer STILL won’t load it (I think it’s jealous. And I mean the computer, NOT me! *grin*)

  9. You did a great job! Great to “see” you and you are as funny as when I read your writing. What a great opportunity for you! Next time your sister visits WedMD, I think a pint of Haagen Daz will be in order.

  10. Still so excited! and not just that you told me that king of the nerds is worth watching. I’ve seen a few previews and was slightly embarrassed to admit that I wanted to tune in.

  11. Congratulations!! You rock! How super exciting!!

    Kathy
    http://gigglingtruckerswife.blogspot.com

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