If you drop one more stitch, I swear on dear Great-Aunt Josephine’s grave that I will shave your eyebrows while you sleep. Or something equally terrifying.

Well, it’s Monday again, friends. This means two things:

1.       The Apocalypse didn’t happen. Kudos to us, planet Earth.

2.       I’m a crankapotamus.

I’m not just a crankapotamus because it’s Monday, although that’s certainly not helping things. I’m really cranky because I started Weight Watchers today. Yea, I know. Fun, fun. But I made the resolution to lose 40 lbs this year and I intend to do it. Oh yes. I’ll stick to the Weight Watchers and half marathon training plan  even if it kills me  no matter how badly it makes me want to smack Carter in the mouth for drinking un-light beer and eating cheese. 
Because, after all, what good will being all svelte be if I’m dead? Absolutely no good, that’s what.

I can honestly say, however, that the Eat to Live Cleanse I did  (i.e. full-blown veganism) made it a lot easier. On Weight Watchers 95% of all fruits and vegetables are zero points, which is awesome. When I was one Weight Watchers last time I was all, “I knowthat carrot sticks are zero points but I want the Salt and Vinegar Chips!” and “But it’s not a meal if there isn’t a starchy, white carb on my plate!” 
And now I’m all, “Quinoa!”

…More because it’s fun to say than anything. Go ahead. Shout it at your children or boss. “Quinoa!” It’s non-offensive but sounds like you’re in a kung fu movie. Add some roundhouse kicks like you’re Chuck freakin’ Norris. I don’t care. Just go where the moment takes you.

I’ll keep you posted on the progress. Or I won’t. Either way. I may find something more interesting to write about.

Kara came to visit us this weekend. For those of you just joining us, Kara is my sister. These were the highlights:

          SATco (San Antonio Taco Co.). TWICE.

          Homemade toasted ravioli. (I will definitely post the recipe on the food blog, once that gets up and running.)

          Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

          Going to a matinee to see This is 40. (although the tickets FOR A MATINEE were $8.25 a pop. So maybe this is a low point?)

          Kara and I FINALLY finished my wedding thank-you cards. We’re just waiting on stamps and then they’ll be in the mail! (FYI, Kara is awesome for helping me do this ridiculously time-consuming, daunting, yet necessary task. Which is why I took her to SATco. Twice)
          I tried to teach Kara to knit. (She has this list of like 240 things that she’s supposed to accomplish this year and learning to knit is one of them.)

I adore my sister. She is a wonderfully smart, effervescent, and creative person. She is incredibly artistic (we both are) and she makes these elaborate, gorgeous collages out of magazine clippings. She’s quite talented.

But she can’t knit for shit.

ME: Ok. Now watch me. Up. Around. Down. Off. Ok? Up. Around. Down. Off. (All the while knitting slowly.) You got it?

KARA: No. There are a lot of strings flying all over the place. Can you show me again?

ME: Sure. No problem. It’s a lot to take in at first, but it’s really easy, I promise. You just go up, around, down, and the off.

KARA: Ok. I’ve definitely got it.

[30 seconds later]

KARA: I messed it up. Can you see what I did wrong?

ME: Sure. It’s fine. Everyone messes up at first. Okay, you haven’t been transferring your stitches to the other needle – you’ve just been dropping them. Watch me again. Up. Around. Down. Off. Up. Around. Down. Off. See? It’s easy.

KARA: Oh! I totally get it.

[30 seconds later]

KARA: Ok. I think the whole round thing is screwing me up. Can I just use regular needles?

ME: The circular needles are easier to learn on because they are connected.

KARA: I don’t think so. Teach me on the plain, straight needles.

ME: You realize it’s the exact same thing, right? The stiches are the same? It’s just harder to hold them.

KARA: No. I think it will be easier. (Because she’s been knitting so long that she’s an expert. And by “so long” I mean “a minute and a half.”)

ME: Fine. Here is one I started, just keep going. It’s the exact same. Up. Around. Down. Off.

KARA: Got it. I’ve totally got it! This is so simple!

[30 seconds later]

KARA: Um…. I think I messed up again.

ME: Let me see. [getting frustrated] Yea, you keep dropping stitches.

KARA: Well I can’t hold onto the f*cking needles! They keep slipping!

ME: Well, that’s why I said the circular needles were better for beginners. But just keep trying.

[30 seconds later]

KARA: Ok…. So I think it was easier on the circle needles. I want them back now.

ME: I’m going to punch you. This is why you should listen to me.

KARA: Can I have those again?

ME: Here. Okay, now I’ll show you again. PLEASE pay attention this time.

KARA: Okay, okay. I’ll pay attention.

ME: Up. Around. Down. Off. Ok? Up. Around. Down. Off.

KARA: Oooooooh! I get it now! I get what I’ve been doing wrong!

ME: Really? Really?! Amazing! I’m so happy!

KARA: This is going to be awesome!

[30 seconds later]

KARA: *cough* um…

ME: What now?

KARA: I keep forgetting how to do it. Maybe you should teach me how to start it from the beginning.

ME: Kara, if you can’t even remember the basic stitch, there’s no way you’ll remember how to cast onto the needle AND knit afterwards.

KARA: But how will I be able to knit you something if you don’t teach me how to start it?

ME: You haven’t knit a row yet! You don’t know how to knit. Let’s worry about you knowing what to do with the knitting when it’s already begun and then I’ll teach you to cast on.

KARA: Fine. Show me again.

ME: Up. Around. Down. Off. K? Up. Around. Down. Off.

KARA: Awesome. I’ll definitely remember. I think I was just distracted by worrying how to start it. But I’m not worried about that anymore. I’ll definitely remember.

[30 seconds later]

KARA: Ok. So I did it! Look!

ME: [expecting to bask in the triumph of my tutelage and skills being passed to another] …..No. No you didn’t.

KARA: Yes I did! Look! It’s on the other needle now! I knitted!

ME: I don’t know what you did or how you got it onto the other needle….but that is not knitting.

KARA: You wouldn’t know real knitting if it climbed up your nose.

ME: Aunt Jo just did a somersault in her grave.

KARA: Yea, yea. I know. She taught you when you were like 14.

ME: 8. I was 8.

KARA: Oh yea? Well……

I’m still waiting for the insult. We’ll try again another day, with giant kiddie needles and the jumbo yarn that they make fishing nets out of. And she will learn. So help me, she will learn. …Or maybe she’ll stick to collages and decoupage because I drank entirely too much during the course of that knitting lesson. Two will enter: one will win – my bet is not on my liver.

But, since it is a frigid, gloomy Monday here, and so I assume it is a frigid, gloomy Monday wherever you are (because that’s how the weather works in my head sometimes), I am going to share some joy with you. And no, it is not Tard the Grumpy Cat. It is way better than that. 
Do you remember Tico? Well, Jane (his mama) just send me some adorable pictures of the little feller and said that I could splash him all over Nested.

Ok. Fine. It’s a cat. But it’s not a grumpy cat. Is he not the sweetest little thing you’ve ever seen? Answer: of course he is. And his belly is so fluffy! (I’m dying from the cuteness over here, if you couldn’t tell. You should be, too.)

Anyways, I’ll be spending my evening not self-loathing about thank-you cards for the first time since August. We may continue the Harry Potter movie marathon (It’s Order of the Phoenix next, bitches!). …Or we’ll just watch really terrible tv until I fall asleep on the couch. 
Or, in honor of the Golden Globes, maybe we’ll start Downton Abbey while I consume all of the points I have been saving for carbs all day. ….and talk Carter into buying me a Tico. 
Happy Monday, y’all! 
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  1. WW is great! i’ve been doing it since the fall to lose baby weight. so far so good! the best thing is that you CAN have cheese and non-light beer! you just eat vegetables all day to make up for it 🙂

    I learned to knit once, but I forgot. I think I just need to let it be.

  2. Ha! In Kara’s defense, it took me forever to figure out circular needles. I started on straight bamboos with crappy acrylic yarn and it worked pretty well. Then, I really wanted to do socks so I moved to DPNs. Finally, after much trying, I figured out circulars. Crazy.

    • I’m no expert, by any stretch. I’ve only knit scarves so far. (Next project is a hat) But she was having trouble holding onto both needles without all of the yarn slipping off the end. I’ll try with different yarn and needles with more friction. She’ll get it eventually. We were also watching Harry Potter, which is super distracting. 🙂

  3. I used to teach knitting and crochet classes at Michael’s Arts and Crafts. I swear, there were times I considered taking a flask to class with me just to keep from using a needle to puncture someone’s jugular vein! I even learned to knit left handed so I could sit across from them and let them mirror me. It did NOT help!
    Good luck with the lessons and remember, you shouldn’t use the circular needles as a garrot. It’ll ruin the needles!

  4. Good for you for working on your new years resolutions!! One of mine was to knock off this extra 15 pounds from the little one. And tone…bleh, the toning! I swear that part takes FOREVER! But we’ll get there!! 🙂

    Very cute cat! And I knit but I’d rather crochet. And it was hard at first. The hubs had to go online and look at Youtube tutorials and figure it out first and then teach me. That’s right, the HUSBAND TAUGHT ME HOW TO KNIT!! I’m kind of ashamed, but mostly not. ha! Have fun with those knitting lessons 😉

    • Thanks! Likewise! We can commiserate about all the toning misery. Please, lets!

      Tico is a precious boy and I love posting pictures of him because he has the sweetest little face ever! I really enjoy crocheting as well, though I know how to do more with knitting. I could learn, though! You have no reason to be ashamed. He should keep it up – knitting is good for manual dexterity!

  5. It’s okay, Kara, I’m very artsy and can’t knit for shit. I hope to, one day, change that. Tico’s a cutie!

    • He’s a love muffin. And she’ll learn. She’s really visual, so I think I need bigger yarn and needles so she can better see what’s actually happening. She’ll get it! And I was working with my comments section – it should work now!

  6. I just commented, pressed the button … and it’s gone. Had said something about my inability to knit despite being artsy… that and that Tico’s a cutie.

  7. I have never tried Weight Watchers but I can knit. Good luck with all of that. I am on a diet my doctor prescribed. So far, so good. He said it would be a long draw out process. I loved to crochet more than knit because like your sister, even though I know how I would be rocking right along and the next thing I know I had dropped some stitches. UGH. For me it ended up being more frustrating than it was worth. LOL I have made sweaters but that is about it. I focus on my crocheting.


    • You’ve made sweaters?! I’m so impressed! That’s my ultimate goal! I know how to crochet, but I like knitting better. I think it’s just more familiar to me than crocheting. Best of luck with your own diet, Kathy! We’ll get there!

  8. I fear I’m just like your sister. I have tried to knit several times, but I’m waaaaaaay better at decoupage. You deserve you some Downton Abbey for all of your patience and your accomplishments. It’s addictive and you’ll end up talking like aristocratic b-word but it’s worth it.

    • I have always longed to have an excuse to talk like an aristocratic b-word. Always. And now I have one. Carter also now has grounds for divorce because I keep saying words like “preposterous” and “know your place.” Le sigh.

  9. You had me rolling trying to teach your sis to knit. I am a paper crafter and am so envious of people who can knit,crochet, or other needle work. I recall my mom trying to teach me as a kid to crochet a “simple” chain stitch she called it. I didn’t catch on, and she kept doing it over and over,and finally she gave up and told me to try something else. Here I am 30+ years later wishing I knew how. I may have to buy a pair of needles and take a class or youtube it. I won yarn and currently use it for tags, gift wrapping and cards. Hmmm.. Yes, I will try this sometime this year.

    • Your paper crafts are beautiful! I may send her over to your blog for inspiration. You should try knitting – I find it extremely relaxing. I’m not great – so far I’ve only knit scarves of varying types – but I enjoy it just the same!

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