My Back Fat is Clearly Trying to Murder Me

Ok, so I’m a terrible blogger. I took Christmas week off, for the most part, because I didn’t really have much to write about. You know, because I was shame-eating cheese like I was being paid to do so. And it has become like anything else. You can run everyday for 6 months and then take a week off and then when someone asks you if you want to go for a run with them you say, “I know I should go for a run, but these Triscuits are just so inviting and there is a Sister Wives marathon on TV. So….. maybe tomorrow.”

This has been the last few days for me.

ME to MYSELF: You should blog today. It’s New Year’s Day. You should post all of the funny Tard the Grumpy Cat and Colonel Meow memes you’ve found this year.

MYSELF TO ME: But I don’t waaaaaant to. Sister Wives is on right now.

ME to MYSELF: Dammit. You’re a slob. You need to put some real clothes on, Captain Sweatpants, and address your readers. Write about your holiday. Holy shit, she’s pregnant!?!?

MYSELF to ME: I’m not sure. I think she is. And the other wives look kind of conflicted about it.

ME to MYSELF: Move over. And pass the chips, lazy-ass.
Ok, so if my grandmother is correct, it’s not crazy if you talk to yourself. It’s only crazy if you answer yourself. So I’m clearly not crazy. ….Wait. Well, shit, kittens. Crazytown, party of one.

I used to go through my day looking for blog posts. “What? You thought I said I wanted “cream cheese” on my pizza? No! I said I wanted “anchovies, please” but with my mouth full. Silly stoners who work at the Mellow Mushroom. What kind of a lunatic asks for cream cheese on a pizza?”

Do NOT answer that.

It even got so bad that I would provoke Carter down odd avenues of conversation so that I could blog about it the next day. It’s not that the conversation wasn’t authentic and didn’t actually happen. Because they all do. Verbatim. But I may have started some of them.

Ask any blogger, my friends, and they will tell you that if they are trying to do the “I blog every day because it creates good habits” thing, that they are ALWAYS looking for material. Carter and I both have notepad sections on our phones called “BLOG IDEAS.” And we add to them.

Like the other day, for example…

Picture it: I’m driving the rental car, Carter’s riding shotgun. We are on our way to my parents’ house (3 states away) for second Christmas. It is snowing heavily and the wind is blowing the snow directly against our path. Carter screams…

CARTER: Puppy!

ME: Don’t tell me that! I hate seeing puppies that have been hit on the highway! It makes me so sad!

CARTER: No! It’s a real puppy! And how f*cking morbid are you?

ME: Puppy! Let’s turn around and go get him!


ME: But you didn’t get me a puppy for Christmas when I specifically asked for one. So much for your vow to make all my dreams come true.

CARTER: That was not in my vows, FYI. I know better than to promise you that in a church. Some of your dreams are ridiculous.

ME: I want that puppy real bad, Bird! I’m turning around and we’re rescuing it!

CARTER: No, we’re not. Besides, it probably has owners looking for it. I want a puppy too. But when we get one, I want to actually pick it out and bond with it, a puppy that has had its shots. I don’t want to pick a dog up off the side of the road and take it home.

CARTER: Who’s Amy?

ME: I swear to God that you never listen when I talk about anything. Amy is my blog friend and friend from real life, too. She picked up a puppy on the highway. Her name is Charlie.

CARTER: I thought you said her name was Amy.

ME: Sometimes I hate you.

CARTER: Ok, well, just because it was the right decision for Amy doesn’t mean it’s the right decision for us.

ME: You suck the fun out of my life. Have I ever told you that?

CARTER: Nearly every day, dear.

ME: I want a f*cking puppy, Bird.

CARTER: And I want a man cave.

ME: If you let me get a puppy, I’ll let you turn the entire apartment into your man cave. All 14 square feet of it.

CARTER: Tempting. But no.

ME: I’m so blogging about this.

CARTER: Go ahead. Everyone will agree with me.

ME: Bet they won’t. I bet they’ll be on my side. Especially Amy and Charlie. And I bet they’ll all be mailing us puppies. And then you’ll be sorry!

CARTER: Go right ahead, Bunny.

ME: [After a long pause] Um… Bird? Can you make a note about this argument in the Blog Ideas file so that I don’t forget about it?

CARTER: It’s only eternity, self. You can get through this, self.

I’m sure he will, too.

But I’m back for good, kittens. And I’m here to stay. Taking a week off actually added more stress in the long run, I think, because I kept wondering what Amy, AnnaBev, Chris, Vikki, and Terri were up to, or how some of my blog-friends – Jenn, Kelly, akl, Sherry, and Lady C – and their kids were doing, or how my friends across the pond – Loki-Lou, Sleepy Joe, Sabrina, and Larissa (Different country counts as across the pond in this instance) – were faring. Maddening, I tell you! Never again.

Hopefully this new-found discipline and inspiration will take hold in my fitness regimen as well. Because I did the pencil test with my back fat last night. If I don’t get it under control, it will develop a mind of its own. Which, given my luck, it already has. It’s probably the mind of the twin that I absorbed in the womb that has slowly been plotting its revenge against me using its host, my back fat. In short, I’m doomed. (That apparently happens WAY more than you’d like to think. The absorbed twin thing. Not the evil mastermind back-fat thing. I have pregnant friends. I’m learning weird things.)

And now I’m thoroughly embarrassed and really want to delete that whole last paragraph. But I can’t. 
Because I’m also putting into my new rule for writing which is to not constantly self-edit.

Clearly there are still a few bugs to work out.

But as it will take me a few days to get the ol’ “Look for Posts in Your Life Daily” muscles back in shape (Or all of my muscles, for that matter), I’d love to hear what you think I should write about on Nested.

Leave your suggestions in the comment box, please. Y’all are amaze-balls. (Thanks, Chris, for the new word! Carter hates you now because I’ve used it in nearly every sentence for the last two days.)

It’s almost Friday, y’all!

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  1. what the heck is the pencil test? i´m pretty sure i could hold at least four pencils with my lower back… at least that is how i am imagining this test.

    • Kerri, the pencil test is usually for your boobs. When I was in middle school, you’d try to keep a pencil …up, by tucking it under the old tata. If there was enough there to hold the pencil, congratulations. If not, come on, hormones! I can keep a couple of pencils up with my back fat, haha. And now after that TMI, you’ll probably never come back. But I hope you do!

  2. Kate, I am constantly stalking Tico to try and take pictures of him doing cute things…which is pretty much all of the time. I will send the cute ones your way.

    Blog ideas…

    1. The overuse of 3m adhesive strips on today’s walls. It’s dangerous…
    2. Basketball season in Kentucky! GO CATS!
    3. Cold, miserable, winters
    4. Your reading/movie list for 2013 and the reasons for these choices
    5. DOWNTON ABBEY! You should totally watch it if you don’t already!
    6. How weird ears and noses are on a human.
    7. Awkward family photos…
    8. Why God thought that it was a good idea for humans to have to get up and go to work so early, when everyone’s(or maybe my) eternal clock says that it prefers to sleep until noon.
    9. You are AWESOME!

    • Jane, you are amazing. And I will feature sweet Tico anytime on Nested. He’s pretty much a celebrity. you should give him a website to compete with the grumpy/frowny cats with Tico’s dewey-eyed and innocent adorbs-balls-ness.

      And thank you for the ideas! They are AMAZING! Look for some of them in the next few day! 🙂 Happy New Year!

  3. Everyone needs a break from writing. I took one over the holidays too. It seems like it is hard to get back into the swing of things, but I will and you will too.


  4. Do you know what kind of ridiculous hoarders-style menagerie I would have if I picked up every animal I saw wondering around and thought they’d make a good pet? Sometimes, I’m even tempted to steal adorable dogs on leashes. But, I’m not so great with follow-through. I think this is why I had potted plants instead. (Notice the word *had*)

    • I would have a ridiculous hoarder-style menagerie and then some as well. My condolences about your plants. But I think you’d make a good puppy-mama. And you could dress it in ironic literary t-shirts that you designed and sold on Etsy. Like, “The Ice Cream Van Cometh” or “Taming of the Miniature Springerdoodle.” I’m still working on it.

  5. I’m so glad you explained the pencil test because I was all, “There’s a legit test for back fat? I’M TOTALLY DOING THIS.” Good to know there is yet another measure with which to document my iced coffee consumption. The scale was proving a little too restrictive. Now I can be all, “well, I’m only at a two pencil rating, and I have a ways to go before three, so I guess a few more gallons won’t hurt me.”

    AMAZE-BALLS… Are you referencing Chris from Hubby Jack? Because I have also added “adorbs” to my vocabulary, thanks to his circle of bloggers.

    • There is totally a pencil test for backfat. It exists. And it is extremely depressing. You can measure your iced coffee consumption and I’ll work on my addiction to all things pumpkin. …and covered in chocolate. And a few gallons won’t at all hurt you. It’s science.

      I’ve never read Chris from Hubby Jack. I learned it from Chris at Life Your Way. I say adorbs though, too. Good to know where it came from!

  6. My notepad on my phone is absolutely full of the randomest tidbits and teasers or whole paragraphs for blog posts! Unfortunately many of them never make it to the public’s eye.. but they’re all there! I love it! Those great ideas you get while drifting off to sleep? I get to write mine down on the phone.. granted they don’t always sound so great in the morning but.. still cool! hehe…

    Thanks for linking up, Kate!

  7. yes, but can you hold the remote control under your boob? a new puppy arrived one january 1st. she is a border collie and her name is kitty.

    you should just keep blogging about everything and anything. i learn something from you every other day. keep up the good work. xx

    • I don’t think I’m that accomplished yet. But with gravity and my genes, someday it will definitely happen. I love that you named your puppy Kitty. You should write a post about her. Or at least give us a picture!

      And I’ll keep blogging if you’ll keep reading. 🙂

  8. I got a puppy from the parking lot of Lowe’s six years ago and he turned out to have a congenital kidney disorder which has required thousands of dollars of intervention and special food. Lowe’s wouldn’t even take him back. You’re probably better off.

    • Oh no, Tara! That happened to a friend of mine! I know that it would have been a bad choice for us. We’re broke AND we have no space or grassy areas anywhere near us. I just get hormonal and am all “We should have a baby! Oh, no. Wait. We’re super broke and you just killed your only houseplant because of neglect. Let’s wait a while. I know! We should get a puppy!” And then Carter wants to murder me.

  9. Happy New Year..You are always good for a chuckle and a lot of smiles. I must say at my age I have come to grips with my back fat. I should care more, but….I am more concerned about my expanding bottom, so I will have to add excercise this year.. It is a curse of a receptionist/crafter. I sit..
    Have a Great 2013, looking forward to reading more in the New Year. I feel as if I know you and your hubby.

    • You are too sweet to me, Winnie! I’m glad I can make you laugh and smile! I have a lot of junk in the trunk, always have, always will. And so, in an effort to accept the things I cannot change, I’m gonna let my butt slide and worry more about my backfat. I’ve gotta pick something, right? I also sit all day – the curse of the executive assistant.

      Wishing you a happy new year! 🙂

  10. Totally with you in the puppy Kate. Carter need guilt tripping, that poor puppy!!!!!

    Blog idea, I want to hear some of your fiction! Please, pretty please with a cherry on top!!!!!!

  11. Hey, new follower from the Tidbit Thursday Link Up. Haha, amusing post. Can’t wait to read more! 🙂


  12. Effing back fat. Didn’t have it until after 40. P90X is not doing the trick … but I suppose that would require doing said P90X more than 2 or 3 times per week.

    Here’s my writing idea/prompt for you:

    You, Me, Bev, and Chris are on a life raft. Between us, there is 1 water bottle, 1 oar, 1 life jacket, and 1 rabbit with pearls.

    A huge wave is headed our way.

    What happens?

    • I effing HATE back fat! I did the whole P90X program and lost weight everywhere EXCEPT the backfat region. I keep telling my mom to get my liposuction for my birthday. Needless to say, she’s not taking the bait.

      I love your writing prompt idea, but I have to ask, even though I think I already know the answer. Are we talking about 1 Rabbit as in “an actual rodent wearing jewelry” or 1 Rabbit as in “and adult “shaky thing with extra bells and whistles.”

      I’ll write it. So help me God, I will.

  13. Your pick. I think I may give it a shot, too, .. heh … heh … if I get some time.

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