Oh sure. Just put that crazy-straw in my jugular. And while you’re having a pint, tell me again why you’re so glittery.

So my sister is obsessed with Vampire Diaries. I’m not going to jump on the hate-wagon because, to be honest, I haven’t seen it. But from the snippets I’ve heard drifting through her headphones while she watched in incessantly during the holidays, I doubt I’d like it.

There seems to be an awful lot of quivering. But in a creepy, “Hey there, girl and boy, you’re still technically jailbait” kind of way. This, BTW, is something that both the CW and ABC Family have perfected over the last few years. And it grosses me out. But I digress.

From what I can tell, on the Vampire Diaries, all the vampires are always getting laid. …Ok. I’ll buy it. I am, after all, a devoted viewer of True Blood and LOVE me some Sherriff Eric Northman.

Ok. Fine. I like the werewolf, Alcide, more.

And yes, I realize that with those four sentences, I have removed all of my ability to complain about Kara’s choice of television. Oh wait. No I haven’t. Because True Bloodis actually really freakin’ good television. (I know, I know, Kara. “Vampire Diaries is amaze-balls.” But I’m not biting. No pun intended. …..Or was it?)

Either way, it got me thinking. Vampires have kind of taken over our culture as of late. And apparently, they’re all super sexy. This shows a huge evolution in vampire lore and how we as society embrace it. (My nerd points just went through the roof for saying the words “vampire lore.” You’re welcome, planet Earth.)

Ancient cultures had vampire legends – all of them terrifying, none of them sexy. Then we get to the Middle Ages and are introduced to Vlad the Impaler. (For the record, his mother named him Vlad Tepes [pronounced te-pish] His dad’s name was Vlad Dracul, thus the whole Dracula thang.) He wasn’t sexy either. Unless you think that impaling people and having a sex-dungeon is sexy – and I mean a literal dungeon where they go all medieval on your imprisoned ass and THEN make you do sex things. Which it isn’t sexy. Period.  Vlad was the epitome of un-sexy and  terrifying – but he wanted to be remembered as a saint (That is called cruel irony, kittens) and so he murdered a monk one time for declaring that he would never be canonized. (And that is just cruel)

A painting of Vlad (Dracula) Tepes, the 15th-century prince who inspired Bram Stoker’s fictional vampire
 Imagino/Getty Images  http://history.howstuffworks.com/history-vs-myth/real-count-dracula1.htm

Ok, so that we’re up to speed:
          Ancient vampires = demon hellspawn full of fury and terror

          Dracula = even worse

But then, there’s always evolution. In 1897, Irish horror author, Bram Stoker, wrote the novel, Dracula.And it was not a huge success at first, but it has since become the stuff of legends. And like 130 movies. For reals.

Bram Stoker pretty much wrote the book on Dracula as a vampire – he was nocturnal, he needed blood to survive, he would turn other souls into vampires by feeding on them, etc. And since I’m sure you’ve all at least been familiarized with some portion of this version, I’ll spare you the details. (Incidentally, if you only want major plotpoints told in a way that won’t keep you awake in terror for like 3 weeks, I highly recommend Dracula, Dead and Loving It. 5 stars for satire, Mr. Mel Brooks.)

Anyways, Bram Stoker’s Count Dracula was still a terrifying creature, albeit slightly more humanized than before. He had once been a man, after all. In 1973, Anne Rice published Interview with a Vampire, which, when I was 14, I swore was the great American novel and the best book ever written.

We’re stupid when we’re young.

But I still really enjoy it, to this day. The vampires in her Chronicles are deeply humanized, perhaps largely because the story is told from the vampire’s perspective. She also deals with issues of grief, loss, immortality, mortality, sexuality, love, and power. Good stuff, right? Her vampires are kinda-sorta sexy, but in a “You’ll still rip my limbs off with your superhuman strength if I offend you” kind of way. It was also a movie with Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt.

But from here, it kind of deteriorates for a while into a lot of fanfiction or nothing at all about Dracula and vampires. Oh, wait. There was Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Good, classic, television. Super recommend. There was also the movie Van Helsing, which showed Dracula as a daddy who just wanted his evil hellspawn to wipe out humanity. Sweet, right? 

And then there was Twilight. Twilight, the worst book I’ve ever read that I couldn’t put down. I’m truly sorry to those of you who enjoyed it – I’m glad you did. It wasn’t at all my cup of tea, perhaps because I read Rice’s books so many times and was pissed off at the liberties Meyers took.

Or because I appreciate good writing and don’t like it when people sparkle or name their kids stupid names like Renesmee, kids who rip their way out of the womb with a full set of adult teeth in their tiny baby heads. Yeesh.

And yea, I’m sure there’s a Mother-of-a-Renesmee out there somewhere. And I’m sorry, ma’am. I’m so sorry. Why couldn’t you have fallen in love with Jane Eyre instead. Or Harry Potter. You could name your baby Hedwig and they’d get less shit on the playground than with the name Renesmee.

BTW, Carter, if you’re reading this, we’re totally naming our first baby Hedwig Albus. Dibs, y’all.

But again, I digress.

In Meyers’ trilogy, which I read in its entirety, vampires sparkle, are super-fast and strong, and, though this was never made completely clear, can kinda-sorta fly. They are also irresistible and abstinent and cause lots of quivering. And pouting. Bella pouts for literally the entire series. Oh wait, except for the part when Renesmee is chewing her way out of Bella’s uterus. Then she’s pretty animated. But she’s back to pouting immediately after. Le sigh, Bella. Le sigh.

From there, we’ve got vampire fan fiction (FYI, did you know that Fifty Shades of Grey IS Twilightfan-fiction? Christian Grey = Edward and Anastasia = Bella? MIND BLOWN? Doesn’t it just ruin all of that sexy sex for you? Of course it does. You want some books that will make your toes curl with actual good plot points AND believable characters AND sex on a moving helicopter hovering over Mt. Kilimanjaro? Shoot me an email. Fifty Shades of Grey is weak sauce, my friends. WEAK SAUCE.)

And we have True Blood. Do yourselves a favor. Netflix or buy all of the seasons of True Blood. You won’t be disappointed. So good! Except for the season with the Maenad. Then you can skip like the last 4 episodes and then just tune in for the finale. Trust me. You’ll be glad you did. Unlike Meyer’s abstinent vampires, the vamps in True Blood are known for their prowess. Apparently being undead makes you really good in the sack. I wouldn’t know, personally. But the evidence on the show is pretty convincing.

But now, we have the Vampire Diaries, which, from my auditory experience, seems to involve a lot of weight-lifting, heaving breathing, moaning, running around in the woods, and screaming about how he doesn’t love me anymore he loves you, damnit. Hmmm. I am also beginning to wonder if the whole vampire thing hasn’t really been overplayed. Maybe we should move onto something new, like Killer Bunnies or a monster that’s half dolphin, half bear, half labradoodle – DolphinBearDoodle. (Any South Park fans? No? You should be ashamed!) Don’t go into the water with a whole salmon and a tennis ball. You will be doomed! 

This brings me to the point of this post. (I know, right? I sure know how to structure a blog post for content AND clarity, don’t I?) And you shut your mouths. I had to give you ALL of that background for any of the following to make sense.

Anyways, while I was listening to Kara watch this show, I got to thinking, “Wow. Schtupping a vampire would really depend on which tradition and lore you were adhering to as to whether it would be super awesome or not.”

And so, FINALLY, I give you, the list:

Vlad Tepes: I don’t even want to think about it. It would be so ridiculously bad. And terrifying. And, as I said before, not sexy.

Count Dracula: He wouldn’t. He’s above your human lady-bits. …Or man-bits – I don’t discriminate. He only wants your life. And to possibly rip your limbs off.

Leslie Neilson as Count Dracula in Dracula, Dead and Loving It: He would just stare at you while you drank wine and ate chicken and then put a crazy-straw into your jugular and slurp away for a little bit, but will then tell you a hilarious joke about bat droppings and you’ll forget the whole thing ever happened. And while he may not try to get in your pants, he’s a fantastic dancer.

Louis from Interview with a Vampire: He’ll just feed on you but then cry the whole time and self-loathe after because he hates himself and then you’ll be all, “Ok, fine. I’ll have some pity shtup with you.” And then he’ll be all, “I couldn’t possibly. I’m disgusting and undead. Go back to your gutter. I’m sorry I bothered you.” But this is Louis. If you picked Lestat up in a bar, he’d probably go on this huge powertrip and turn you into a vampire because he just digs it. Or something like that. I’m not sure. It’s been a while since I read them. 

Twilight: He wouldn’t touch you, so great is his willpower for abstinence. But he will sparkle in the sunlight and make you want to puke all over him if he talks one more time about responsibility and how “No, I’m not going to make you into a super adorable vampire so that I can be with you forever and stop worrying about werewolves always trying to murder/have sex with you. It’s just wrong. I’d rather drive you into a depression so deep that you jump off a cliff/try to get into a motorcycle accident/attempt a gang-bang with a bunch of townies. Because I’m not at all emotionally abusive.” Read the book again, kittens! You’ll see I’m right.


True Blood: Mind-blowing and awesome. Apparently. Although apparently the werewolves are pretty good too. And they can actually cuddle you during the day. So that’s a plus, too. (P.S. I would LOVE to give you a picture here. But they’re not work friendly. Just go home and Google “True Blood – Alcide. Or Eric Northman. Your choice. YUM.)

Vampire Diaries: you’d have to ask my sister. Or watch it for yourself. I have no idea and don’t really want to speculate since I think the show is aimed at teenagers and guys who live with their moms. But there is a lot of heavy breathing. So….

Now that I have gone all nerd-balls on y’all and displayed my fabulous geek plumage for all to see, I’m just gonna try to find a graceful way to step quickly out of this post before I lose more followers than I probably did with my Renesmee rant. (But come ON people!)

So, here’s to hoping that you have a wonderful weekend! And I hope you do check out True Blood. Or just Joe Mangianello. If vampires aren’t your thing, he’s also in Magic Mike. So, that’s kind of everyone’s thing, right? Just imagine that instead of a stripper that ol’ Joe’s a pack-leading werewolf who wants you to have his pups.

Bring it on, man.

Happy Friday, y’all! 

P.S. Possibly the WORST. BLOG-POST. EVER. I’m sorry, y’all! 
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  1. Kudos on the blog. I dig it! This was brought to mind after reading your post (thank you prof. hamm): http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Elizabeth_B%C3%A1thory

  2. Seriously, I’m at work having the most boring day and this just cheered me up! Loved it!
    I personally am beyond words that you don’t like Twilight! I’m so glad! I think its the worst shit ever. excuse my language. But seriously I hate and I don’t understand why people love it.

    As for true blood, I never got into that. I only saw snippets of it, but don’t they have weird magic powers will glowing things too?? hmm. Seems weird.

    Vampire Diaries, I have to admit I do watch. I will confess that it isn’t great quality but the guys are just so damn hot that I don’t care what so ever. But now that I have been watching it forever I do get really into it, just because you know that’s what happens when you watch shows. I think I watch a lot of crap shows on both the CW and ABC and I don’t really know why, haha 🙂

    I love your commentary on Louis from Interview, so true and so funny! I really enjoyed your post though! Very witty and very funny! Hope you have a great day!

    • Glad I could cheer you up, Amber! I’m glad I’m not alone in my Twi-loathing. But we seem to be in the minority on that one. True Blood is really good. SUPER nerdy, but really good. You kind of have to start at episode one though, because everything is explained then. If you don’t have the background info then you’re all, “Wait, she’s a fairy? When did that happen.”

      My sister LOVES Vampire Diaries (duh), but I can’t add yet another can’t-miss show to my list. I already watch too much tv! Thanks for reading, Amber! I hope you’ll come back!

  3. True blood- I tried honest I did, just didn’t get into it. Vamp Diaries- loved the first series then tried the books and got all confused and couldn’t watch or read any more (they are totally different it messes with your head!) oh and very teeny! Twilight- sorry loved them, still love me?!?! Anne Rice is on my to read list, honest but loved the film.

    Dracula, oh Dracula…..I am in love with this book!!!! Stoker totally put the sex into vampires! The way he taps into the neck thing (you know the thing!!) and the stalking and sure there is the killing thing but also the ‘I want you to be with me literally forever’ thing!!!!

    I loved this post and the lore you packed into it 🙂 very smiley sleepy!

    • But it’s SOOOOOO good! I still love you, even though you love Twilight. As long as you’ll still love me for loving TrueBlood. I actually need to read Dracula the book. I started it in 8th grade, didn’t sleep for 3 weeks from terror, and threw it in the trash so it would be out of my room. Sad, right? But I’m an adult now. So… maybe I’ll only be sleepless for 2 weeks. Here’s hoping!

  4. “The worst book I couldn’t put down” is EXACTLY how I describe Twilight! I completely understand why middle school girls love it. (No matter how ordinary, dull, and clumsy you are, there is a perfect love for you – and he will find you! and love you FOREVER!) What I don’t understand is why or how anyone else could possibly like it – particularly Book 4 (does that make the series a quadrology?), the most reprehensible book I’ve almost ever read.

    (The movie is hilarious, though, seriously. The scene where Taylor Lautner strips for Bella’s dad? Priceless. [“To explain what’s going on, I must remove my shirt. Steady, now.” SERIOUSLY.] Jen Lancaster’s re-enactment with her Barbies is also fantastic.)

    Joe Manganiello is totally my stripper boyfriend!!!

  5. I only read the books because I was recovering from surgery and BORED! I SWEAR! The tales my children tell about me driving around looking for the last book are lies I tell ya. LIES!
    And, umm…I only watch the movies to heckle them and you have no proof otherwise!

  6. Not the worst post ever at all! I loved it! So glad to have someone finally pointing out the difference between today’s pop culture vampires and vampires the way they were intended! I loved what you said about Twilight, it’s so true. Especially the emotional abusive part. (I haven’t read Twilight but I have accidentally seen one or two films and I’ve read a lot about it, so I kinda know what it’s about, right? Plus my sister has read the books and she’s told me everything in detail!)

    I actually did know 50 Shades was Twilight fan fiction but I didn’t like 50 Shades in the first place, so, whatever, you know.

    And hey, 101 followers! Good start of the new year!

    • Yay! If you’re interested in that aspect, you really should read them. I read an article by a clinical psychologist who deals with domestic abuse and she basically outlined all of the ways that Edward and Bella have an abusive relationship, both physically and mentally. Fascinating stuff. And compelling.

      50 shades was titillating for the first 50 pages. And then it became vanilla. And abusive. And no, I’m not saying that BDSM relationships are abusive. You could completely remove his sexual preferences and make them abstinent and their relationship would STILL be abusive. But it is fan fiction of the prior. So… that makes sense. And yay to 101!

  7. ah, so i get to do a little bit of angry bev.
    i have a teenage daughter, a newly, 14 year old and one of the big deals in her life was to be able to move from the
    9-12 year old section of the bookstore to the teen section. but what did she and i find when we arrived? we found it stuffed with adult women. big, grown-ass women sucking all the little girl air out of the books. when i, the horrified mother perused the selections i felt a growing sense of panic. blood thirsty sexy themes were everywhere. i politely asked the sales assistant if she could recommend any “tame romance with actual human character” and she looked around the teen aisles for a second and then shrugged and said we should try christian fiction. “lady,” i said, “we are not christian”
    grown up ladies, get the hell out my child’s section of the book store. your reluctance to read beyond a grade 8 level is bringing the neighbourhood down. you are no longer 16 and you are probably not going to have sex with a vampire. grab some margaret atwood or willa cather and some aspirin – because thinking hurts, if you’re out of practice.

    thank you kate, i needed to get that off my chest. great post.

  8. I love that I always manage to get a history lesson while I’m here. I get to have a few laughs and leave a little smarter! Winning! ha 🙂

  9. “The worst book I couldn’t put down” — precisely. I hated it. But it was basically the only way I could escape the brain hurt of studying for the bar exam.
    I started 50 Shades of grey, but once I found out it was twilight fan fiction, I just couldn’t continue. Lately I’ve been just reading memoirs and other non-fiction-type books.

    also: used to love True Blood, and struggled through the maenad disaster. but that business with necromancy in season 4, i just couldn’t get the Man to continue. In fact, the last episode we saw was the night before Vivi was born.

    • I read the trilogy during my thesis semester of my master’s degree! Coincidence?! I think not! And it was a total distraction that I loathed from start to finish! And I LOVE memoir. If you need a recommendation, I just finished (for the 3rd time) The Woman Warrior by Maxine Hong Kingston. BRILLIANT. I absolutely love it.

      TrueBlood has gotten a little weird, lately. But I still love it, and in the last season, I really think it started to hit its stride again with good story lines. Thrilling from start to finish!

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