And my fan-girl "Squee!" shall take the form of an ethically taxidermied armadillo.

ME: So The Bloggess is coming to town.

CARTER: Oh yea?

ME: Yea. I’m really excited. Amy and I have already made it a date.

CARTER: Well that’s awesome. So you’ll get to meet her and have a book signed.

ME: Yea. But we’re not just stopping there.

CARTER: I’m afraid to ask.

ME: We’re trying to find the perfect dead animal to give to her.

CARTER: Oh, sure. ……Wait. What?

ME: She collects ethically taxidermied animals doing cool things.

CARTER: What makes an animal ethically taxidermied?

ME: Well, she says it’s ethical if it’s already dead when it is taxidermied. As in, they could be labeled, “No animals were killed with the express purpose of stuffing them for this art piece.” It’s like the taxidermy equivalent to “Certified Fair Trade.” Or something like that. 

CARTER: So they have to go “naturally?”

ME: Yea, I think that’s the general idea. You clearly don’t read her blog/book.

CARTER: I can’t say that I do. So why do you want to do this?

ME: So that she’ll like us and we can be friends and if we see her at BlogHer this summer we can actually talk to her, you know, because we’ll be friends. Blog friends and friends from life like Amy and I are.

CARTER: Doesn’t that mean that you should try to be blog friends first?

ME: Um, she follows me on Twitter, babe. Mission accomplished. Anyways, we’re on the hunt for the coolest stuffed animal ever.

CARTER: But not stuffed animal in the way that most people think of stuffed animals, right? You don’t mean Care Bears. You mean something that the vast majority of the population would view as creepy and bordering on a signal of an impending psychotic break. 

ME: Yes to the creepy bit, no to the psychotic break thing. But it has to be doing something awesome. Or just be awesome by itself.

CARTER: It’s a dead, taxidermied animal. What could it possibly be doing?

ME: Well, there’s Juanita the Weasel who has her hands thrown up in frustration and seems to be screaming, “My mother-f*cking soufflé is ruined!!!!!”

CARTER: Uh-huh?

ME: And then there’s James Garfield who is a wild boar’s head. He sometimes gets dressed up as a reindeer at the holidays, I think.

CARTER: Uh-huh?

ME: And then there’s Jefferson Peabody, the tiny taxidermied alligator. Or is he a caymen? I don’t remember. And, the most important of all is Hamlet von Schnitzel!

CARTER: Who is Hamlet von Schnitzel?

ME: WHO IS HAMLET VON SCHNITZEL?!?!?!?! 

CARTER: That’s what I just asked you.

ME: You mean you don’t know!?! This is proof that you don’t listen to me when I talk. Hamlet von Schnitzel is the mouse that started it all! He’s on the cover of her book, for Pete’s sake! He’s the Shakespearean mouse holding the tiny mouse skull aloft and you just know he’s reciting the soliloquy about death from Hamlet, Act V, Scene 1.

CARTER: He is?

ME: Of course!

CARTER: So, what have you come up with?

ME: Well, Amy found a picture of a squirrel unzipping its belly fur to reveal a Superman costume underneath.

CARTER: That’s actually kind of horrifying.

ME: And then she found a mouse pope. But the best, I think, was the tiny Squirrel with the blunderbuss.

CARTER: As in the muzzle-loaded gun used by pirates?

ME: The same! We didn’t remember what it was called, but Anna reminded us.

CARTER: Of course she did. Of course one of your friends identified the tiny gun held by a tiny dead squirrel as a blunderbuss.

ME: Why do you act surprised?

CARTER: Oh, I’m not. So what would you name this pirate squirrel?

ME: Oh, we couldn’t name it. She would name it.

CARTER: Why would she want to name it?

ME: Because she would love it! That’s why! Plus she’s infinitely more creative than I am and would come up with the best name ever. It’s like the Native American naming rituals. Ok, it’s actually nothing like that at all. But she’ll name it! And then maybe she’ll put it in her office! And then maybe she’ll post a picture of it on her blog because she’ll think it’s so awesome! [I’m hyperventilating with excitement this entire time.]

CARTER: Ok, so let me get this straight. You are going to go to this woman’s reading, wielding hardcover books for her to sign and bearing the gift of the weirdest and, as you say, “most awesome,” ethically taxidermied animal you can find on the internet, which you will not name. And you mean to tell me that she will not only not call the police and have you arrested for being creepy or psychotic, but that she will love this gift of dead animal and name it and put it in her office and maybe on her blog?

ME: Yes!

CARTER: I do not get this. I do not get this at all.

ME: It’s ok if you’re not one of the special ones like us, babe.

CARTER: That hurts.

ME: Read the book. Maybe you’re just unaware of your specialness.

CARTER: Maybe I am. 

ME: Either way, whether we give it to her or not, this blunderbuss squirrel is being purchased this weekend.

CARTER: It’s only eternity, self. You can get through this, self.

What should you take from this post? Nothing, really, other than the following:
  1.   I am very weird.
  2.  The Bloggess is coming.
  3. Amy and I are going to see her.
  4.  Amy and I will be giving her the gift of the best taxidermied animal that the treasure trove of smut, porn, online shoe-ordering, and weirdness that is the internet can provide.
  5. Hopefully she will love us and we will then be fast friends so that when we see her at BlogHer this summer, we can wave casually and be all, “’Sup, Jenny? See you at that party later?” and be just super nonchalant about it.

Okay, fine. Even if she did love us and we did become friends, I don’t think I would ever NOT be so in awe of her that I could manage a simple ‘sup without feeling like I’m going to wet myself from excitement.

Yes. She’s just that awesome.

Happy Friday, y’all!

(Note: No, I am not posting links or photos to these awesome dead animals because Amy and I still haven’t picked which one we want and I don’t want any of you to steal it. We will also be making a collage to give to her. We will allow you to participate in the collage. But the ethically dead animal thing is ours and is, from this moment forward, placed in an eternal state of dibs. Love y’all. Mean it! Xoxoxoxoxox) 

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  1. you may have some of the taxidermied animals in my back porch. or perhaps one of my husband’s mystery animals skulls he finds in the woods. please forgive me for what i said about the bloggess on my blog. maybe you can bring me round. xxx

  2. *falling over in fit of giggles* I wish you the best of luck on you’re stuffed critter search!
    I too have to have thought of the possibility of “running into her” at BlogHer and wondered if I’d go all “fan girl”. Then I decided it would just take too much energy. *grin*
    I am extremely jealous though, since once again Indy is NOT on the list! I’m telling you, people in Indiana DO read, wheher you believe it or not!

  3. Wait….the Bloggess! THE Bloggess! I am sooo bloody jealous right now! If I knock a squirrel over you could give that to her…well…maybe not….because that’d mean me killing a squirrel, and I’d feel bad about that. It’s the thought that counts though right?!

    • Yes, ma’am! As in THE Bloggess. She should do a European tour! I know her book is in circulation there!But it is the thought that counts. You can always mail her a squirrel that you found online that someone else had knocked over! 🙂

  4. You had me rolling! I can’t imagine even having this conversation with my husband. They check my bags on the subway in NYC now, imagine if I was carrying a taxidermed animal in my bag. So funny, they wouldn’t stop me on those spot checks any more! Have fun at BlogHer this summer, I went last year here in NYC and it was fun. Good luck in your ethical hunting!

  5. Uh oh, you take every one of my suggestions completely in the serious manner in which it was not intended. We’re making a collage? Eep. You better message me some ideas, lady! You know I’ll get all OCD on this. Did you buy the pirate squirrel? Are we wearing curlers?

    • I’m less serious about the collage. I think with our collective OCD, we would literally die making it – it would take that long. Maybe we should stick to the dead animal thing. I’m still looking for the perfect animal – but the squirrel is at the top of the list. 🙂

  6. Ahh The Bloggess!!! Loved her book. Carter should definitely read it!

  7. I’m going to buy up all of the cool dead animals on the internet, right NOW. Suck it! XOXOXO

  8. She’s coming to a store near my new area too. I thought about going but don’t really know the protocol for these things. Maybe I’ll go so I can also get an “in” for BlogHer! Ha!

  9. I saw her when she was in San Diego. She is the coolest. I’m excited for you to meet her!

  10. I have seriously been considering taking a half day on 3/5 when she goes to dirty jerzey. (I would go to NYC, but I have my photography class wednesday nights). I want to be her bestie!!!

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