This was Fat Olivia. Actually, let’s talk about her in the present tense. You know, because it’s more fun and less depressing.
- Don’t ever sneak up on a child while wearing a clown costume.
- Don’t ever wear a clown costume.
- I was 15. Or something like that. He was young, too. So “forever” really just meant “until prom.”
- Once we left the pet store, I never gave it another thought.
- Hamsters, like humans, need to be sure to get regular physical activity and eat a low fat/low carb/high fiber diet.
- Hamsters, even doughy and adorable ones, do not make good Valentine’s Day presents.
- If you get your girlfriend/boyfriend a hamster for a holiday, you will effectively take any hope that that person’s father/mother will ever like you and throw it out the window.
- Mr. Max had bloodlust when it came to hamsters and, I think, fantasized about spicing his kibble with hamster flesh. (Yes. Gross. I know.)
- I called Fat Olivia “Fat Olivia” so that those twig-bitch mice in my sister’s room couldn’t call her that behind her back.
- It is impossible to walk a hamster on a leash. It functions in much the same way that walking a cat on a leash does in that when you say “walk” you mean “drag for ten or so feet before giving up.”
Happy Thursday, y’all.