This post contains the longest title ever.

This is post also catalogues a classic “If You Give a Moose a Muffin” scenario.

If your mom watches the third Twilight movie, but hasn’t seen the prior editions (or read the books), she will have lots of questions.

If she has lots of questions, she will wait until you come up for lunch and ask them of you.

If she asks you all of those questions, you will be forced to answer them.

If you answer her questions, you will realize and display that your knowledge of Twilight, while incidentally absorbed from reading the books once, while substitute teaching, so that you could understand your students, is expansive.

When you have expansive knowledge of Twilight (incidentally!), you will find yourself going on and on about how, of course, vampires need a governing body with a strict, no-tolerance policy of punishment. Because immortality and superstrength.

When you go on and on about vampire pugilism, you will end up making shockingly specific comparisons between the Anne Rice-ean vampire lore and the diluted wierdness of Stephanie Meyer and Twilight.

When you start comparing Twilight to Anne Rice, you will end up pointing out no less than 15 ways in which Stephanie Meyer takes established vampire lore and throws it out the window for the sake of convenience, i.e. “We can go out in the sun, but only in Washington state, and we don’t incinerate, we just sparkle.” Because, apparently, glitter.

When making these comparisons, you will wind up bringing True Blood into the conversation because you’ll realize that your mom never read Anne Rice, but devoured the True Blood series, books and television.

When you bring True Blood into the conversation, you’ll start making comparisons between Evan Rachel Wood’s Vampire Queen of Louisiana to the Volturi.

When you start making comparisons between ERW and the Volturi, you’ll start talking about abuse themes running concurrently with vampire narrative.

When you start talking about abuse themes, you’ll start to quote psychology papers that analyze Bella and Edward’s relationship as classically abusive.

When you start talking about vampiric abuse themes as they pertain to Twilight, you’ll inevitably bring up the abuse themes in Twilight Fan Fiction, namely Fifty Shades of Gray.

When you realize that you have discussed, with authority and knowledge, Twilight and Fifty Shades of Gray, you will need to go have a cookie. And read some war literature. Or watch a documentary about global warming.