So Valentine’s Day is EXACTLY a week away. Carter and I generally just skip it. Why? You’ll just have to wait until February 12thto find out! But I know that there are an awful lot of you out there who don’t skip it, either because you genuinely enjoy it or you’re dating/married to someone who does and so you take the dive. Consider this your warning.
Here at Nested, we like to not only humor but educate as well, which is why I’ve compiled this helpful post for you. Call it a Public Service Announcement. Call it “The Post That Will Save Your Life, Time and Time Again.” Call it Spam (the “meat,” not the porn). But whatever you call it, I hope that you will find it helpful as you boldly face the day.
The 12 Most Ridiculous (or Awesome, depending on your worldview) Valentine’s Day Gifts Ever
Created Found By Me On The Internet
So what if you won’t buy her a puppy? So what if you keep telling her that you’re just not ready to have a puppy, even though all of your friends are having puppies and you have a stable job and all. Now you can feel as guilt free as a baby unicorn! Because, in the most technical sense, you are buying her puppies. But be prepared because, in the most technical sense, she might dump your ass.
Now they can let the whole office know about their interests! This is a particularly useful gift for people starting out in new jobs and career fields. Don’t know anyone? Don’t have any friends to sit with in the break room at lunch? Bring this puppy with you to the coffee machine and you’ll have a dozen brand new best friends by the time you notice that the creamer packets have gone bad, which is to say by the time you finish that first cup of coffee.
…..Unless you work in an office with vegans. Then you’ll probably get hazed and leave work to find your tires slashed and fake blood all over your car. Silly vegans. (Note: I say this as a part-time executive vegan. But sweet cheese, do I love bacon.)
Because nothing says “I love you” quite like meat stuffed inside of meat stuffed inside of meat. Actually, this picture kind of makes me want to throw up. But Carter has asked for a Turduchen every year. Carter, I refuse to actually buy, cook, or eat one of these things for or with you, but I will lovingly post a picture of it to this, the shrine to our love and weirdness. And then I will go buy you something that didn’t once have a pulse.
Because who doesn’t want to prepare a meal from scratch but then pretend that they bought it in the freezer section? Of course, the answer is, “Everyone.” As in, “Everyone wants to pretend that their home-cooked meal came from Tyson.” (Note: If I were a kid, though, I would have been a hell of a lot less picky if my mom had owned one of these and told me that my tuna casserole was actually a Kid’s Cuisine. Now I think frozen dinners taste like plastic, which is not totally off because that’s their first ingredient. But ye with picky children: behold!)
As part of my “2013 is the Year of My Reinvention,” I have decided that I will be signing all letters, bills, and other important documents with a quill and inkwell and sealing them with my wax seal. Because who doesn’t want to communicate like it’s 1765? Plus, then you can feel all Game of Thrones’y. Maybe I’ll even buy an ethically taxidermied three-eyed raven to complete the tableau at my little writing desk.
6. A Wine Purse
This is, without a doubt, the best accessory every designed or created and you should buy it for the leading lady in your life. Think about it! Dealing with people would be so much easier! Grocery shopping would be enjoyable! The sky would look bluer! The world would seem fresh and new again!You’re on your way out the door to run errands: “Honey, could you hand me my wine purse?” F*ck real purses! All I ever keep in a real purse is change, gum wrappers, and bobby pins anyways!
I don’t know about you, but I have always wanted to make soup in my blender. After all, the blender is such a lazy appliance. You can only crush ice, chop, mix, puree, blend, stir, and make margaritas. What a lazy machine! But now I can make soup in the blender and then I can blend the soup in the blender! Goodbye, stove! Goodbye, pots and pans! This is obviously the perfect gift for every
crazy person efficient gourmand in your life.
Let me tell you about the Master Cleanse, kittens. For 10 days, you consume nothing but laxative teas and a solution comprised of cayenne pepper, lemon juice, sea salt, maple syrup, and purified water. It melts the pounds right off of you. It also makes you shit yourself. That’s why you’re losing the weight – because you are literally shitting out your innards. you’re lucky if you even have bones at the end of the cleanse. But don’t worry – you didn’t need that spleen anyway. What better to bring you and your significant other closer than a 10 day stretch of cleansing and soiling yourselves, wherein you want to kill each other, but you don’t? (Note: The whole shitting yourself is a real thing. I don’t want to say that I know first hand, but…..)
This set includes a mat and neck-rest with thousands of tiny little prongs to stick in your flesh and relieve pain. Because nothing relieves pain quite like causing different pain, am I right? Of course I am. Plus, you skip the whole step where you have to lie down naked on a table while an expert in ancient Chinese medicine sticks needles in your face. Is it still as effective? Well, there aren’t any needles in your face, so no. But will your beloved tell you how thoughtful you are after using it once, squealing “OwOwOwOwOw,” and putting it in their guest room next to the golf clubs and snorkel masks? Of course they will, because it was a gift from you – which means it will take up space in their
home hoarder’s nest heart forever.
Ok, this is legitimately awesome. And not just for the book-nerd in your life! This would make a lovely companion present to go with that lovely wax seal you got them as well! Postcards? Wax seals? And they said that the mail was dead.
Now you can take close-up photos of your duck faces with this lens! Or send wide-angle shots of your bum, or whatever it is you swear you’re not using SnapChat to send. Fun for the whole family!
Best. Thing. Ever. And I’m including the Bacon of the Month Club in that list. this is the perfect gift for your significant other if they are the type who can’t even get off the phone to hold an umbrella in transit! Plus, you’ll get to feel like you’re in The Bubble Boy, only you’ll have immunities. …At least, I hope you will. This is also a great gift to give to teenage daughters as it most definitely functions as a modern, less invasive/pervy chastity belt. Ain’t nobody gonna try to get up in her bubble when she’s wearing that….bubble.
I hope that you found this list helpful. Even though Carter and I don’t officially celebrate Valentine’s Day, we celebrate something else near it. And no, it’s not an ancient ritualistic love holiday where we exchange aphrodisiacs (chocolate) and object that are not shaped like the human heart (as everyone thinks), but like the curvatures of a woman’s buttocks. True story. And no, it’s nothing like that. But if you do celebrate such a holiday (*cough* That’s what Valentine’s Day really is *cough*), and you do exchange gifts on said holiday, now you have some ideas that are sure to land with your significant other.
…And by “land,” I mean that they are sure to land somewhere. It may be the garage. It may be the spare bedroom. But you shouldn’t let that happen, because if they really loved you, they’d wear the bubble umbrella with pride, no matter how much like a dumb-ass it makes them look. Just like if they really loved you, they’d let you tweeze their uni-brow without howling like they’re in labor and accusing you of not loving them. (Seriously, Carter – I’ve seen video footage of births without epidurals where the women have made less noise than you.) Geez.
Go forth and purchase! You have a week, which means that you can still get these items in time without paying extra for rushed shipping. See how thoughtful I am, posting this today and not the day before Valentine’s Day? You’re welcome,
planet Earth the 38 people who read this blog regularly!
It’s almost Friday, y’all!