Sugarlump, is the cat walking funny to you?

So this happened last weekend:

Picture it: We’re all lazing about in the living room enjoying morning coffee and light reading. My mom has forced us to turn the television to Dogs 101 because Lola is the most spoiled dog on the planet. Lola, for the record, is not even watching because there is a giant bird in the backyard that is clearly trying to murder us all and she is barking like a maniac to show that bird who’s boss. (Hint: I don’t think it’s her. But she thinks it’s her, and I’m not one to crush a doodle’s dreams.) But do we get to change the channel to who my dad describes as the “oddly hot yet at the same time really obnoxiously pretentious lady on the Cooking channel?” No. Because Lola is “watching” Dogs 101. But I digress.

Into the living room stomps my father.

DAD: I hate the cat now.

MOM: Why?

DAD: She bit me. She didn’t break the skin, but she bit me!

MOM: Well, what were you doing to provoke her?

DAD: Nothing! I was petting her!

MOM: Well, I always discipline her when she’s naughty. Did you discipline her?

DAD: Of course I did. I punched her in the head.

MOM: You WHAT?!?!?!

DAD: Not hard! Geez! Just pretend, but with a look on my face to let her know that I’m the boss and she’s the cat.

MOM: Oh. Well, good.

Two things become apparent:

1.  Apparently, you can discipline a cat. (Maybe I’ll have my mom do a guest post about how this is accomplished. Every time I’ve ever tried to “discipline” the cat, she always seeks her revenge by peeing in my shoes and hacking hairballs under my comfortor. So really, she’s disciplining me.)
2. My dad’s idea of disciplining a cat involves pretending to punch it in the head. Not hard – just to demonstrate to the cat that you could if you wanted to.
PETA, please don’t take my mommy and daddy away. 

This is me doing some weird  and embarrassing impersonation of The Claw from Inspector Gadget. …I think. (If you’re too young to know what that is, btw, you should probably stop reading this blog.) and Evil Bitch Ethel Mertz, looking particularly evil. She’s actually quite sweet. …Except for the biting…. and the peeing in shoes thing ….and the bit about herding Lola like a sheep. But man, can that cat cuddle. 
Oh, and P.S. – Carter is now telling me he wants a dire wolf. As if there aren’t enough things eating/peeing in my shoes. 
Happy Hump Day, y’all!

(Public Service Announcement: For those of you who do not know my dad, me, or this blog, let me assure you that no cats were actually punched. And if you think it’s offensive to pretend, then you should also go after the people who have trained their dogs to play dead when they say “Bang, Bang.” I mean really, who’s the villain here?)

(Announcement for people who have taught their dogs to play dead when they say “Bang Bang” – how is this accomplished? Teach me your ways, wizards.) 

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Comments:

  1. If you do ever find out how to teach a dog to play dead that way, can you do a tutorial? Because I’d love to teach my bunny.

    Also, I think it’s awesome that your parents discuss disciplining the cat as if it’s a totally normal conversation.

    • I want to teach my beagle! She’s so pitiful and mopey looking all the time that she’d love the attention!

      And that is 100% an authentic, par-for-the-course conversation in my house. Like the time when my mom told me that she thought Lola was unhappy with her haircut.

  2. That’s what makes cats great and a true threat to humankind; they are impervious to threats, discipline, harsh looks or being ignored and you never know what they might be planning behind your back. I own a dog. Their tales wag and give them away every time.

  3. so i had to google “dire wolf” and once again you have enriched my life with new knowledge. i pretend punch my children in the head all the time. god, i wish that were true. actually when they misbehave i threatened to lick them – right up the cheek with my old lady tongue. works every time. xx

    • They’re fascinating, right?! And people are bringing back the breed in the form of the American Alsatian dog, which Carter is now obsessed with and pining after. Problem? They cost $3,000. This, to me, is like the caution they gave me when I went shopping for my wedding dress which was: if your budget is $500, don’t try on a $3,000 dress because then none of the $500 dresses will look good to you anymore. Truths. So we have a dog budget of like $25 and Carter has fallen in love with a $3,000 dog for which there is a 2 year waiting list. Yikes!

      And can I say (in the comment that has already become insanely long) that I love that this is how you discipline your children. It’s like my sister licking all of the cupcakes so that no one else will want to eat them. xx

  4. Laugh if you will, but I usually “discipline” my cat by hissing at it. If I’m REALLY pissed, I’ll even fo the “spitting” and “cat-growl” noises with it. I don’t know if the cat feels disciplined or not, but it generally looks at me like, “Bee-yatch be crazy!” and leaves me the heck alone, which is just as good as behaving since it’s somewhere else doing horrible things to someone elses stuff.

    • I TOTALLY get that. We’ve trained her to meow on command. So now when we meow, she meows.

      …although the more I think about it, it feels more like she trained us to meow and is then meowing back as positive reinforcement. Sh*t – she really is in charge!

      Cats are un-disciplinable, I think. But I’m serious about getting my mother to guest blog about her wiley ways.

  5. I think pretending to punch the cat in the head is definitely better than spraying it in the face with water. I always felt so bad doing that when I was a kid and there were like 2 weeks when my parents tried to keep the cats off the furniture. Of course, the cats are all over their furniture because cats just plain and simple do what they want.

  6. When PETA gets a load of this story…from the cat’s point of view of course, your dad is going to need some good running shoes or a witness protection program. I say shave those animals and make him a wig and a mustache. Either way…your parents are going to need a new zip code. Good luck! I am pretty sure the cat will retaliate.

  7. You can train a cat… sorta. My hubby has snap trained the cats and couple good snaps of the fingers teaches them to back away from what they are doing. Awesome for when you want them to get away from the door, out of the room, or away from some bit of mischief they are up to. See, that last one works only sometimes. They always react to the snap but sometimes decide they are going to do their naughtiness anyway. You can see them pondering it. “I’m supposed to leave this alone but it NEEDS to be knocked to the floor. Run away? Knock to the floor? Run away? Knock to the floor?”

    We have kittens also and they are in the learning process. I suspect the one isn’t going to learn it. When you snap your fingers at him, he gets this puzzled look on his face and tilts his head at you, “What are you doing??” The other cat across the room doing nothing wrong will be cowering, but he’ll just look at you quizzically.

    • Your hubs sounds brilliant. I can’t train my cat to do anything. She’s very much in charge but has trained me to do some lovely things. I love what you said about their ponderings, though – you can TOTALLY see the wheels in their heads turning! Too funny! thanks for reading! I hope you’ll stick around! 🙂

  8. Oh. My. God. Rick wants a Dire Wolf too. What the hell, husbands?

    Poor Ethel Mertz. She’s just a misunderstood alpha cat. Those are real, right?

    BTW, I’m sorry I’m behind on reading and commenting on your blog. I took myself gloriously offline this past week, sort of. To make it up, I’m nominating you (along with Bev who beat me to it) for a Sunshine Award. Check out my latest post to see your name in lights.

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