This is not the thing for which you were "privately" browsing, stranger. Promise.

Ok. So I have a problem.

Alright, fine. Admittedly, I have more than just one problem, but at this particular junction in my life, I have a problem that is more pressing than all the others. (If you know anything about me, you know that this is really saying something. I am, after all, the girl who is allergic to wheat and the planet, has pet moss balls, and can’t eat jello because “it feels icky in my mouth.”)

Hi, I’m Katie and I’m addicted to porn.

Mom, please sit down and breathe into that paper bag you’re holding. It’s not the porn like you’re thinking, I promise. 

I’m not addicted to watching people shaboinga and do the horizontal mambo or viewing fetish videos about grandmothers with nice toes. (I Google a lot. So sue me.)

Because while I know that is what most people think of as porn, it doesn’t get my motor running. As far as I’m concerned, that video clip of the naughty schoolgirl is about as sexy to me as hand-washing the dishes. 

What makes me tick?
What’s that, baby? You painted your builder-grade cabinets white and installed a butcher-block counter top to add class and sophistication to what was a boring, unimaginative kitchen? And you built a shelf below the cabinets for easy access to frequently used items? Oh, God. Don’t stop. Please don’t stop. 
That’s right, folks. I’m addicted to house porn. 
You can keep your 50 Shades of Gray or your Pirates of the Carribean porno. I’ve experienced both and found them to be pretty meh. But give me a good, tiled backsplash and hubba-hubba. Call the fire department, Carter, because it’s about to get hot in here. 
Yes, I know that I am awkward. 
Yes, I know that I should consider the concept of an “inner monologue.” 
No, Carter will not divorce me because in our prenup we agreed and any pets acquired during the course of the marriage would become my assets in the course of a separation. And let’s face it, Carter is way to attached to Larry, Larry, and Darryl to give them up over me being  inappropriate  precocious  fiesty   a complete pain in the ass. 
Just kidding. We didn’t do the whole pre-nup thing. Mostly because you don’t need a pre-nup when you ain’t got no money. (We settled on the terms that should our marriage ever end, he gets the xBox and I get the pots and pans.) And herein lies the problem. 
We’re po.’ 
Let’s establish, first of all, that I’m using the word “poor” really loosely here. I know that, compared to many people in the world and even some in this country, that I am fabulously well off. And I feel extremely blessed. 
But now that we have that straight, I am an entry-level professional and newlywed with thousands of dollars in student loan debt and a fondness for fine leather goods. This is fine. We’re “starting out.” And everyone always tells me, and I do mean everyone, that the “lean” years will be the source of some of our fondest memories. Blah blah blah. 
Long story short (or, if you’re in Carter’s camp, long story long), we’re renting. I have applied for literally hundreds of jobs, as has Carter, and, frankly, I’m burned out. So what do I do when I’m supposed to be working or applying for hundreds more jobs? 
I look at house porn. My XXX site of choice? Pinterest. 
And since I’m all about airing my personal life all over this damned blog (sorry!), I’m gonna share with you some of my recent turn-ons.
Did you just add some molding, trim and paint to completely change the look of this staircase? You’re a naughty homeowner. Yes, you are. Look at how classy your stairs look. Oh yes.
What’s that, baby? You added cabinets between the sinks so that there’s no wasted space and you can get all of the mother-f*ckin’ toothbrushes off of the counter? You don’t know what you’re doing to me.
Baby, don’t you know that your perfectly style bookcases make me crazy? I mean, look at that artistically placed bowl-thing. It shows how classy you are that you have rustic bowl-thingies to place artistically on shelves. *shiver*
Welcome to your first closetgasm, kittens.
What’s that, Dream Kitchen? You tiled your backsplash in a fun, bright color to make the white cabinets stand out even more, making your kitchen look perpetually clean and bright? And you cut up some mother-f*ckin’ fruit for me? And is that coffee I smell? Oh, you dirty, dirty kitchen. I’m gonna cook in you so frequently. You like that? You like that? You want me to host a brunch in you? Oh, you’re even dirtier than I thought.
Stop. Just stop, rustic yet adorable and predator-proof chicken coop with coop-top herb garden. I can’t take any more of your teasing. You’re so bad. But so good. I just wanna put you in my backyard and then put some mother-f*ckin’ chickens in you. You like the sound of that? Maybe I’ll put 3 or 4 chickens in you at the same time so that they can be friends. I know. I’m soooooo dirty.
As you may have guessed, in my head, all porn stars sound like Samuel L. Jackson. Naturally, all of my house porn internal dialogues have taken on a very “We need to add some mother-f*ckin’ window treatments to this mother-f*ckin’ living room” quality. 
This is problematic for a couple of reasons:

1. It has ruined apartment hunting for me because in my head, if a place doesn’t have a reading nook, it’s not even fit for animals.  

2. I keep insisting to Carter that we could reverse-mortgage Lola to make a down payment on a house.  

3. It has made me acutely aware of how tiny my kitchen is and so I get really passive-aggressive when I cook because no one took functionality into consideration when they built this kitchen and by Jove would it have killed them to paint the cabinets something other than “puce.”  

4. I never want to snuggle anymore because by the time I’ve finished researching how to install and paint crown molding and a chair rail for an elegant dining room, I’m completely spent.  

5. It makes me want to throw away 60% of our possessions because our apartment is “cluttered,” i.e. a “hoarder nest.” 

I know that I just need to be patient, that someday we will own a house and I will get to bankrupt us by knocking out walls to make window-seats and an “open living space.” 
The reality is, however, that I will likely do none of these things. I’ve lived in the same apartment for over a year and have yet to hang even a painting on the wall. It’s like what they say about the boys always wanting what they can’t have so as soon as you have a boyfriend they’re all over you and texting you things like, “Hey girl, I know you have a boyfriend now, but wanna go to the movies with me? I’ll bring gourmet rosemary-garlic popcorn and a bottle of wine discreetly hidden in a Nalgene bottle.” 
Ok, so maybe it’s not exactly like that. But I do know for a fact that, if I don’t have you to hold me accountable, I will never improve any of my domiciles. So here’s your homework – when I move, you are to guilt me into decorating and then posting Before and After pictures so that you can compliment me and my design/artistic prowess. 
Because I’m not needy at all. 
Happy hump day, y’all! 
(Note: I realized that this post doesn’t really have a satisfying or conclusive ending at all. But all of the house porn pinning has exhausted me. So I’m leaving you to go recuperate by pinning some memes about Harry Potter and probably dinosaurs. And, of course, drinking plenty of water. Gotta refuel before I start researching how to build your own upholstered headboard.) 
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  1. Um, yes. This is me, also. But you already know that. And I own a house! But we are house poor (look it up) so all I can do is threaten to bash in the walls of my bedroom to create a better imagined space. Or I could actually bash in the walls, but then we’d be left with rubble and white dust on our clothing. I have grand plans for that space. I also realllllllly want to knock down the wall between my kitchen and dining room, install a suave bar, and somehow add on a banquette. I’ve learned words like “banquette” from BHG and Pinterest. Oh baby, did you say “banquette”? Mama needs a cool drink and a fan.

  2. before and after pictures keep me going in life. i’m hoping i’m in my ‘before.’

  3. As I was scrolling down through this post, I actually went to re-pin the closet before I remembered I was reading your blog. House porn addicts unite!

  4. Functional design is hot. I’ve watched more organizational videos on YouTube—oh, god, I feel so dirty now. Also, multifunctional furniture and storage? decor that’s not just there for the looks?

    We should play the go-to-the-cool-furniture-and-knick-knack-store-and-show-each-other-what-our-future-mansions-will-look-like game. Though I guess that’s like foreplay, and you are a married woman.

    This was a hilarious entry. And also… titillating.

    • You are dirty! Home design and DIY is so naughty!

      I would like to play this game. We could even do it remotely using “inspiration boards” and start something like The Babysitter’s Club…only with Pinterest and house porn.

      Thanks! 🙂 Hope you’re well!

  5. yes yes and yes! I spend way too much time googling and looking at pinterest for new home ideas. It’s nuts! But hey, whatever floats our boats right? haha

  6. I’m all about the cleaning porn myself. Articles about how to get wax out of carpet, reality shows that describe the best way to remove lime scale, whispered secret recipes for home made disinfectant … oh, is it hot in here, or is it just me?

  7. i all over book binding porn. but i have that chicken house. i know, that’s weird. peck, penny and patty live there. they lat 3 brown eggs a day. it is springtime on the farm and we are calving day and night.
    ps. i am not bitter even though i did not win the prize. i wish old what’s her name and her pretty monogrammed key chain all the happiness a juice glass can hold. xx

    • Really? Do tell!

      I love that you have that chicken house! It’s adorable and now I can live vicariously through you and say things like, “My friend Bev has an adorable chicken house!”

      Best of luck with the calving season, Bev! I know how trying that is. (I dated a guy with a cattle farm.)

      There are more giveaways, m’dear! Stay tuned! 🙂

  8. *applause* I’m not alone. The only difference? I don’t plan on buying a house and reno. Oh hell to the no. I am going to build, using a few nontraditional techs already researched, for about $25/sq.ft. and I already have every square inch planned, the colors, the storage, the kitchen and materials.

    Excuse me. I have to go and jump Hubby. We need to talk about different wood flooring…

    • OMG, teach me your ways, Yoda! $25/square foot?!?!? Now you’ve ruined me! I want to build! I’ve been on blue-print sites all morning!

      It’s a sickness, I tell you!

    • LMAO! I learned the idea from a friend. She bought a small plot and put in a steel building with two floors – total cost? $13k for 1500 sq/ft. We hit all the little reno stores with tossed out cabinets, doors, etc. That closet pic? We built her one in a day with a kit and painted the next day, total cost $700. Her kitchen (she’s a chef) cost the most, but we hit an auction where a restaurant went out of business, and for less than a new small kitchen in a new house, built her’s. She ended up with a 2bdrm/office/dining room/living room/2.5 bath house for less than $35k. She sold it last year for $280k. And she had no mortgage.

      PS – she put insulation and beautiful cedar siding on the outside so it didn’t look like a steel building 🙂

  9. I love house porn too. Someday I might not have to live with roommates and can do whatever I want. THAT will be the day.

  10. and you mah dear shall have your wish! one day. We’re second nesters living in rented digs and I can totally relate. Thanks for the additional smile and all the kitchen porn!

  11. You know that is not what I was expecting at all. OK so my mind is in the gutter and I will admit I was seriously worried that I was going to see more of you and Carter than I wanted to. Awkward!! House porn? LMAO. Me too!! You are too much.


  12. Never heard the term house porn it cracked me up…………I like it……

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