Mom, please sit down and breathe into that paper bag you’re holding. It’s not the porn like you’re thinking, I promise.
|Did you just add some molding, trim and paint to completely change the look of this staircase? You’re a naughty homeowner. Yes, you are. Look at how classy your stairs look. Oh yes.
|What’s that, baby? You added cabinets between the sinks so that there’s no wasted space and you can get all of the mother-f*ckin’ toothbrushes off of the counter? You don’t know what you’re doing to me.
|Baby, don’t you know that your perfectly style bookcases make me crazy? I mean, look at that artistically placed bowl-thing. It shows how classy you are that you have rustic bowl-thingies to place artistically on shelves. *shiver*
|Welcome to your first closetgasm, kittens.
|What’s that, Dream Kitchen? You tiled your backsplash in a fun, bright color to make the white cabinets stand out even more, making your kitchen look perpetually clean and bright? And you cut up some mother-f*ckin’ fruit for me? And is that coffee I smell? Oh, you dirty, dirty kitchen. I’m gonna cook in you so frequently. You like that? You like that? You want me to host a brunch in you? Oh, you’re even dirtier than I thought.
|Stop. Just stop, rustic yet adorable and predator-proof chicken coop with coop-top herb garden. I can’t take any more of your teasing. You’re so bad. But so good. I just wanna put you in my backyard and then put some mother-f*ckin’ chickens in you. You like the sound of that? Maybe I’ll put 3 or 4 chickens in you at the same time so that they can be friends. I know. I’m soooooo dirty.
1. It has ruined apartment hunting for me because in my head, if a place doesn’t have a reading nook, it’s not even fit for animals.
2. I keep insisting to Carter that we could reverse-mortgage Lola to make a down payment on a house.
3. It has made me acutely aware of how tiny my kitchen is and so I get really passive-aggressive when I cook because no one took functionality into consideration when they built this kitchen and by Jove would it have killed them to paint the cabinets something other than “puce.”
4. I never want to snuggle anymore because by the time I’ve finished researching how to install and paint crown molding and a chair rail for an elegant dining room, I’m completely spent.
5. It makes me want to throw away 60% of our possessions because our apartment is “cluttered,” i.e. a “hoarder nest.”