"I wanna put my …face… on your… face…"

How to tell if you have a potty mouth:

  1. You attempt to text “lucky duck” to your husband and your phone auto-corrects it first to “f*ck” and then to “dick.”
  2. You are me.

As always, it’s a glamorous life I live.

I’m really, really sorry, Mom and everyone else who I offend regularly. …So… probably all of you.  
For the record, for you dirty minds who think dirty things when you see those two words together,  the d-word being in my auto-correct lexicon is a result of it being on the short list of my favorite insults, second only to “douchebag.” (Don’t ask me why. I don’t even know.) 
I do not text about the body part to which that slang refers (Because it makes me uncomfortable. Because I was raised Catholic and therefore always feel like some Saint or, worse, Mary is watching me.) This means that I never use those two words in conjunction when texting unless it looks like this – “So-and-so is such a f*cking dick.” 
Again. I reeeeeeeally apologize.

Besides, you know me well enough by now to know that I am horrifyingly awkward and could never “sext” in any sort of successful way even if I didn’t have all that Catholic guilt to worry about. (Note: Spellcheck in Microsoft word automatically recognizes “sext” and doesn’t question it at all. Naughty, naughty Word.)

I tried once. And yes, I’m totally comfortably telling you all about it because I think that the fact that I can’t sext proves once and for all that I am not some heathen.

But I am, apparently, a “broad.” Whatever that means.

Anyways, here’s how it went:

(Imagine this is all happening on a tiny phone screen. And imagine that “Person” is the dude who plays Jon Snow on Game of Thrones – it wasn’t, but I’m all about protecting the innocent, so I’m just telling you to imagine it was him.)

PERSON: So, uh, what are you wearing?

ME: Let me check – I totally forgot. Ok. I’m wearing sweatpants and a hoodie and my fleecy sock-boots from L.L.Bean.

PERSON: Uh… ok. Do you, maybe, wanna take some of that off?

ME: Well it’s really cold in here, so I’d rather not.

PERSON: Ok, then. Do you want to know what I’m wearing?

ME: Well, it’s 11 pm on a Tuesday, so I’m assuming that you’re wearing boxers and a t-shirt.

PERSON: But I don’t have to be…

ME: Well, it’s almost time to go to sleep. What the hell else would you put on?

PERSON:Nevermind. So, what do you wish you could do to me right now?

ME: Well, I’m really f*cking cold, so I’d like to be little spoon for a while. And I’m also kind of hungry, so I think I might go get a snack.

PERSON: You like it when I’m big spoon?

ME: Well, you’re taller than me. I’m not opposed to being big spoon, but logistically, it’s a little impractical. Hmmmm….

PERSON: Hmmmm? You thinking about me baby?

ME: No. We’re out of yogurt. And string cheese. And cantaloupe. Pretty much all of my snack food is gone.

PERSON: Are you really talking about the snacks right now?

ME: It just pisses me off! I go to the store and buy this really awesome snack food and then everybody eats it and leaves their shitty snacks behind. I don’t want your shitty snacks, people! That’s why I bought awesome snacks! If you want my awesome snacks, stop buying your shitty snacks and buy awesome snacks like mine!

PERSON: Your snacks are pretty awesome.

ME: Damn straight, they are! Greek yogurt is the shit!

PERSON: I was talking about your other snacks. [winky face]

ME: Yea, you’re right. The cantaloupe is pretty awesome, too.

PERSON: Let’s start over. I want you really badly. Tell me what you want.

ME: Tacos sound pretty good right now. But there’s also a Golden Girls marathon on Lifetime that I have paused.


ME: Yea, it’s like, one of the best shows ever made.

PERSON:  I give up. Go enjoy the Golden Girls and your Slanket.

ME: Did that turn you on as much as it turned me on? 

Ok, so I’ll admit, I wasn’t really trying that time. The one time I legitimately tried went like this:

PERSON: What do you wish you could do to me right now?

ME: I want to… hug you… really… hard and then cook you some Chicken Piccata.

Yea, yea, I know – I’m thesex.

It’s almost Friday, y’all!
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  1. Hey, if the man knows what’s good for him outside the big O he’d take you up on your offer for Chicken Piccata! Phone porn after 27 years of marriage always involves food, snacks or tv after work….

  2. This was great!

  3. hahahahahahahahahahahahah

    Oh you crack me up!

    I’m sure I’d be terrible at sexting. Although, I AM a Mormon and you gotta watch out for us good Mormon girls…

  4. i’m too old to have phone sex or stext but i sport a pretty foul mouth. i mostly bad talk jesus so you’re catholic friends would probably not enjoy it.

  5. OhmyLaaaaaanta! I’m dying.

    You had me at Slanket.

  6. What in the heck is a Slanket? Is it like a Snuggie? Cuz I have 4 of those!! 🙂

  7. bahahahahahahahahaha… you kill me. made my day. gracias~

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