Why yes, my dog does enjoy the breezy comfort and support of a sports bra.

We (my family) are the proud owners of the most neurotic anxiety-riddled beagle on God’s green Earth.

Okay, so that’s a horrible example. She’s actually pretty zen here. Which is surprising. Normally, when I get down on the floor and army crawl towards her really quickly, grunting all the way because my boobs are a gigantic hindrance to that motion, to try to get a picture from this very hipster, “instagram-y” angle, she jumps up, and runs away. I can’t imagine why.

That’s more like it. Our sweet pig is a nervous gal. Suitcases send her into apoplexy. People at the door bring absolute terror. Going on walks causes her to lay down in the street and shit herself. …though, that’s a different story for a different day.

For those of you who own anxious dogs, you know that the 4th of July is not the patriotic festivus our nation talks it up to be. No, no. For those of us with anxious dogs, the 4th of July is an evil hell-spawn holiday whereon evil hell-bred celebrants set off evil hell-born fireworks.

Okay, so maybe it’s not that bad.

Except that it is.

I present for your consideration Exhibit A, which is to say, the third post I ever wrote for this blog. It’s an antique, my darlings, about (you guessed it) my beagle shitting herself. And, if we’re being honest, the entire house. Lit’rally. George W., I have what you’ve been looking for. My beagle is your weapon of mass destruction. Bring everyone home; the search is over.

Needless to say, my mother and I are trying our damnedest to avoid another such explosion     evening which ends with my sobbing in the bathroom    incident. Enter: The Thunder Shirt.

This isn’t an endorsement post, kittens. (After all, we don’t even know if the damned thing works yet.) In fact, this post isn’t really about Rigby at all. But we’ll get to that.

So my mom buys Rigby the Thunder Shirt, right? It’s a great idea. We’ve been meaning to do it since the last 4th of July (*shudder*) but haven’t because beagles, in addition to being hysterical in the Downton Abbey sense of the word, grow weird things off of their bodies when they get old. I guess we’re not worrying about this “cyst” (or, as we call it around Rigby to spare her feelings, a “beauty mark”) anymore, because we Thundershirted the crap out of our sweet pig today.

One problem. In addition to being the proud owners of the most anxious beagle ever to trot, we also own the world’s most jealous labradoodle.

As soon as the Thundershirt was on, Lola started to nip at Rigby. Minutes later, she tried to pull the shirt off of our sweet pig’s back. Picture it: lots of yelping, mass hysteria. (So, pretty much my entire middle school experience.) 

My mother, ever the innovator, had a solution.

Oh, can you not tell what that is that Lola practically put on herself, she was so excited? Let me give you a better angle.

Yep. That’s a sports bra. And according to my sister, Lola has been happily wearing it around her neck for the last hour. My mom tells me that we are going to Target this weekend to buy a larger sports bra for Lola to wear in greater comfort.

Because we’re those people.

I would try to defend us, but I know better. Besides, I doubt you’d believe me, anyway. You’ve read this blog.

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  1. OK you have got to write this up for Chicken Soup for the Soul. They have an edition coming out with articles due Aug 31 about dogs.

  2. OK, I’m not sure what a Thunder Shirt is, but your girl looks damn HOT in it! (I meant that in a totally, “she looks so sweet in a strictly platonic way” way. Just wanted to clarify, since the sentence was kinda weird and vague and I’d rather write a 3 sentence explanation than rewrite one short sentence. Yeah, you KNOW what I mean! *grin*)
    On a different but similar note, would it be weird to request pics of Lola in her new sports bra?

  3. OhMyGravy. Hilarious. And wonderful. Way to go, Susan. Brilliant idea about the sports bra. Can’t wait for photos!!

  4. While this entire post is hysterical, I think I nearly peed myself at the sports bra (or maybe it was the picture of your sister in the dog crate with Lola).

  5. Love this!! And all of your pet pictures on Instagram!! Fellow animal lovers unite!

  6. Once again I almost peed myself laughing. You are hysterical. We have a chihuahua puppy that will probably shit herself completely on the 4th of July. We had one doozy of a storm the other night and she almost went into orbit. Terrified the poor thing.


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