"Lola, if you will go potty within the next 20 seconds, I’ll buy you a small pony," and other tales of autumn…

I won’t lie to you. The reason I haven’t been here is because I’ve been spending my precious evening free time watching terrible, dirty things on the internet. 

That’s right, I’ve been spending my nights watching a capella groups on YouTube. Because I am the coolest. 

To quote Jezebel’s Madeleine Davies:

Man, is there anything more uplifting than a cappella? That was a rhetorical question of course because duuuuh, there is nothing more uplifting than a cappella (and yes, I AM well aware that putting that on the record might mean that no one will want to have sex with me ever again).

Autumn is a rough time for pet owners. 

Wow, you’re saying, no segue? Nope. No segues here. Because we don’t need segues. Because we have undiagnosed attention deficits and a glass of wine. 

Autumn is a rough time for pet owners. Not because the air is cooling or the grass is dying. Lola can handle the lack of grass because she’s a grown-ass lady. Actually, it has more to do with the fact that when that girl has to go, she will go. 

Actually, that’s not exactly true. When that girl has to go, she will perform an entire canine reproduction of Swan Lake. Then and only then, she will go. 

And now it is Autumn. Which is awful. I submit the following as evidence:

ME: Lola, that’s just a leaf. Be a big girl for me. 

LOLA: You’re an idiot. That’s a rabid wildebeest coming to attack us and steal our liver treats. Run away!  

A lone leaf, crackly and brown, will tumble across the street. 

ME: I love fall. I love the sounds that crunching leaves make. Plus, those street leaves are the closest we’ll ever get to tumbleweeds. What do you think, Lola? 

LOLA: Go away, Wildebeest! We have no liver treats here! Spare us and go to the house next door! 

This means that what already feels like a twenty minutes process takes even longer because, in addition to our Swan Lake performance, we must also stop, point, and bark at any leaf that blows past. 

The normal process of Lola spinning while I chant “Who’s a pretty girl? Who’s my fabulous, pretty girl? You are! Yes you are! Yes you are! Can you go twosies for me? Can you? Can you go twosies for mama?” has been lengthened dramatically because now, in addition to the above litany, I must add “It’s just a leaf, sweet girl. It’s fine. You’re fine. You’re a fine girl. Thank you for protecting me from the leaf! Now can you go twosies for mama?” 

A few things become apparent:

1. My future children are doomed because I will never ever talk to them like that while they’re potty training. Probably because I won’t have slept since they were born and will be too tired to say delicate words like “twosie” and will instead beg them in a desperate voice, “I will buy you all the things if you will just shit in that toilet right there. Right there! All the things, kid! All the things!” 

2. I need to invest in a leaf blower. 

3. Maybe my sister is right, though I still don’t see the problem. 

4. We need to move Lola to Arizona, where there are no leaves or trees or moisture. No, you know what, nevermind. My hair requires humidity to not kill me. Not a lot. But some. Plus I don’t really enjoy the process of dehydrating from the outside in. 

Ignoring another opportunity for a segue, this has been a big week for obscure news that, while totally insignificant in the overall life and death of our world, made me wee a little. 

First, Monty Python is getting back together for a stage show. 

Second, Backstreet’s back. (Alright!) I would like to state that I am fine with this video because who wants to see Howie without a shirt anyways? Also, elementary/middle school me has been squeeing nonsop since seeing this article. She has lost her voice and is making a total ass out of herself but it’s okay because ZOMG it’s Brian without a shirt. 

And then, as if all of that wasn’t enough, this happened.

Hang tough, kittens. We’ll make it to the weekend.

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  1. Oh man, this was hilarious! Love that you’re all “Hey Fall” and Lola’s “AHH FALL!” haha Okay carry on with your youtube searches. 🙂

  2. Oh the words that have been said in the interest of twosies….

  3. You’re not alone Katie!! I too am obsessed with my dog lol 🙂

  4. Also….I went to junior high with the Editor-in-chief of Jezebel!! She is hilarious

  5. Monty fudging Python! I can hardly contain my excitement over this!

    And my dog gets confused by Autumn, with her being mostly blind a leaf blows by and she assumes its us moving away from her and starts to panic….even though we’re walking right next to her….and she’s on a leash!…and we’re a lot bigger than a leaf.

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