Sugarbean, Just Hitch That There Plow to My Spanx. We’ll Have This Field Done In No Time. (Repost)

I’m going to a wedding tonight. 

I’m wearing this dress that screams, “Hey, fancy lady, you lost two dress sizes!”

I’m freaking out. 

In honor of my great discomfort and anxiety, I thought we’d take a little trip down memory lane with this gem, originally from November 15, 2012. 

So I have a wedding to go to in 9 days. Carter and I are very excited because it’s the first wedding we’re going to being married ourselves, which is pretty cool, right? Yes. But I’m dreading it.

Let me clarify. I’m not dreading the wedding itself. I can’t wait to watch one of my family’s oldest and dearest friends walk to down aisle to a man who is truly deserving of her.  And I’m not dreading the trip. I’ve never been to New Orleans and I’m super excited to see it! What am I dreading?

Have you ever witnessed sausage being made?

If you have, and you’ve ever worn “ shape-wear,” you know exactly where I’m going with this. I am dreading squeezing my ass into Spanx and wearing, again, like at my wedding, a taffeta sausage casing. But this time it will be knee length. So I’ll be a cocktail weenie.

For those of you who haven’t ever needed to wear shape-wear,  you suck. Officially and irreversibly. That being said, I am ridiculously jealous of you. You have never known the personal hell that is trying to shove all of your wobbly bits into what is essentially a knee-length ballet leotard built for a toddler that has the tensile strength of Kevlar. Nor have you ever experienced the embarrassment that is a significant other walking in the room at the precise moment you have finally wrestled said leotard over your ass, witnessing the most unflattering moment of the entire process: where the spandex is squeezing all of your body fat up like toothpaste out of the tube (Because it has to go somewhere and there sure as shit isn’t room for it down in the bike short portion of the ensemble.)and you now appear to have a large flesh inner-tube around your waist, giving you the appearance of a really, really unappetizing popover just bursting from the confines of its pan.  You know nothing of personal trauma. Just like I know nothing of such anatomical fortune.

I’m of strong German heritage, right? Well, from my observations, there are two kinds of Germans: Heidi Klum and everyone else. Heidi Klum is leggy, lean, and impossibly tall. She was once quoted as saying something to the effect of, “Women always ask me how I have my body after 3 kids. They ask me if they can have a body like mine after having kids. I always say, ‘Well, if you didn’t look like me before kids, you almost certainly won’t look like me after.’” Thank you Heidi. You’re an insensitive asshole.

Most other people of German descent look like me…. And every other woman in my family. We tend to have wide hips (For the child-bearing of course. We’ll have 3 or 4. Unless you’re German Catholic, which we are. In this case, you’ll have 6 or 7.). We also tend to have broad shoulders and rib cages to house our large, German workhorse lungs, the very lungs that give us the ability to complete heavy farm labor. It also makes us quite adept at tossing kegs, since we’re being stereotypical here. We may be slim in our youth, dainty even. And then we turn 23. And all shit breaks loose. Not only does all that other shit happen, but your ta-tas finally “come in.” And let me tell you, they come in with a vengeance.

This happened to me a few years ago and I still haven’t gotten over it. It’s called a “Pioneer Metabolism.” This means that, if this were 1843, I could starve through the long winter, give birth to my monstrous German baby in mid-March, and somehow have the strength, with baby on my back, to pull the plow in the spring. Yes. Pull the plow. Where are the oxen in this scenario? They’re off being the lazy piece-of-shits they are down at the local watering hole, boozing and talking up the local cows.

Actually, we probably would have eaten them in mid-November and I would be wearing them as boots by planting season. You know, since I’m pulling a mother f*cking plow and all.

What does this mean for me, the modern woman? Well, for starters, I can’t wear anything with a drop-waist because it literally makes me look like Grimace. You know, the really dopey looking McDonald’s character from like 1986? Yea.

Get the dropped-waist dress, they said. It will look stunning on you, they said.

It also means that I can’t wear skinny jeans unless they’re tucked into boots because I’ll look like a lollipop. A really snarky lollipop.

The following are also off limits:
–          Really short and yet really full skirts.
–          Really short things period.
–          Things that would be low cut on a normally “chested” woman. I will look like a friggin’ prostitute.
–          Most fake equestrian boots. Because they have a calf circumference of like 12 inches. This means they are built for dolls (or Lindsey Lohan), not plow-pulling horse-women like myself.
–          Anything with a corset bodice. You’d think this would work out for me. And it does in the waist area. But up top? Up in the region literally choking me to death from all the cleavage and everything below being squeezed upward and into my throat? Madness. (Again, think toothpaste. Because a corset is nothing except for Spanx that go way higher up.) Again, prostitute. (Albeit a very snazzily dressed one.)

Dieting? Well, dieting works when the temperature outside is more than 80 degrees. Anything lower? Forget it.

But CLEARLY you’re just not being strict with your diet.

 

OBVIOUSLY you’re not working out. That’s the ticket.

 

You simply MUST be adhering to the wrong diet. Have you tried the diet that is based on your blood type?

 

You don’t know my life. You’re all wrong. All of you. And here’s why: my body, when the temperature dips any lower than “light jacket” weather goes into hibernation mode. I can get on that elliptical and roll until I literally fall off and die and will not lose an ounce. I can go vegan and swear off all of the food-proof that there is a God who wants us to be happy. I can go low-carb, no-carb, gluten-free, white starch-free, juice-free, juice-only, high-protein, or Special-K and none of them, I repeat, none of them work when it’s cold outside.

(Note: It is worth pointing out that the Special K diet is the absolute best way to drive yourself to homicide. Whoever the copywriter for their commercials is needs to be taken out back and forced to follow the Special-K diet. “But I’m so satisfied! And I get snacks!” Newsflash, sister: that “snack” is nothing more than the solid, rectangular form of high fructose corn syrup and cardboard shavings. And those shakes? They’ll keep you full for hours? Horse shit. Let’s get something straight here, kittens. There is nothing worse than being on a diet where you are hungry all the time and your spouse or significant other is sitting next to you on the couch, chowing down on Cheetos and drinking  beer, even if it is light beer. You know, because he’s a health nut. And there is nothing that will make a person homicidal faster than that significant other losing 10 lbs in two weeks simply because they reduced their boozing when you, you who have been starving yourself and sustaining your body on nothing more than sawdust and “protein shakes,” have gained 4 lbs in water weight because your body clearly hates you. Yea, whoever said the Special-K diet would leave you satisfied and full, in your tight red dress and your “I just LOVE eating ¾ cup of wood shavings for dinner” afterglow, whoever said that is full of shit. And can we bring up another thing that really chaps my ass? Have you SEEN the women in those commercials? “Oh, shucks. I can’t fit into my Size 0 jeans because I’ve recently given birth to those beautiful fake twins over there that don’t even look remotely like me but make me seem like I’m part of an interracial couple which makes me look neutral and nonthreatening. But I’m so insecure in my size 4 jeans. I’m such a fattie! Look at this back fat – I can pinch my skin a little. Look at me! I’m disgusting! My thighs almost touch when I walk! The horror! I must lose 40 lbs in 2 weeks or everyone at my high school reunion with call me a heifer!” Listen up Special-K Lady in the Red Dress: when your thighs “almost touch” so much that you’ve gotten a massive heat rash from them “almost grating together” in the summer when you’ve worn a skirt to work, call me.)

Wow. That escalated quickly. Where were we?  Oh yes, my hibernating metabolism. Because I have a pioneer’s body, when it senses cold weather nearing, it clings onto every ounce of body fat with all its might. This means that I must do all of the heavy weight loss efforts from May-August. But I didn’t this summer because I was just too lazy. I also moved, started a blog, and got married. No biggie.

Bring on the shape wear!

I’m blessed with a husband who doesn’t mind that I’m curvy and has never once said condescending bullshit like “There’s more of you to love” or “There’s more cushion for the pushin.’” Because that’s rude. If your boyfriend has ever said either of those things or anything resembling them, he’s a dick. Just calling it like it is. (Because you keep coming here for my brutal honesty. It sure as hell isn’t my charm.)

I’m dreading this wedding like I dread going to my yearly appointment at the gynecologist. There will be some lovely people there and in the end, I’ll have a grand time. But the prep is disgusting.

Ok. So it’s not at all like that.

There will be lovely people there, some of the best people I’ve ever had the fortune of knowing. And I will have a grand time. I know I will because not only are they the best people I know, but they are also the most generous and hospitable. (Greg, Mary, Kaitlyn, Michaela, Mags, and Jeff, I mean every word of that and I can’t wait to see you on what will be a mind-blowingly beautiful day.) Carter and I (and Kara) will dance and drink and laugh and have the best time that anyone ever had. (I will spend most of the slow songs dancing with my arms around both Kara and Carter because Kara is the Arthur Spooner to Carter and my Doug and Carrie.)

I will work out today. And I will eat healthily this week. But I will eat like the German I am on Thanksgiving. Then, two days later, getting ready for that wedding, I will curse God and my ancestors for the body I inherited while I painstakingly tuck, stuff, and shove all of my squish into that spandex, all the while shrieking “feminism be damned!” (Because shapewear is apparently unfeminist as it is in direct contrast to all of the liberation that resulted from the burning of bras and girdles. I’m a feminist. But I am a feminist that does not like the appearance of my back fat creeping over the top of my dress like the foam from a bottle of coke you shook too hard. Deal with it, ladies.)

I will curse Carter for saying really supporting things on the other side of the bathroom door. Because that’s not embarrassing at all. I know that he’s so sweet and just trying to be helpful but when you’ve got one leg up on the bathtub so that you can stretch the spandex out enough that you’ll be able to walk and you’re billowing out everywhere  “Can I do anything to help?” is literally the last thing you want to hear. Maybe I’m the only one who’s so insecure that she would rather have a pelvic exam than put on a cocktail dress and go out in public. (I am aware of how sad that is.) But I’m willing to bet that I’m not alone.

I’ve invested in a new pair of fancy shape-wear that is not only supposed to suck in and smooth your wobbly bits but also promises to lift your ass and cure cancer. Because I’m that excited about this wedding. Let’s just say that I only endure the hossing of my body into Spanx for really special people. Kaitlyn and Jeff: you’re totally worth the effort.

Happy Thursday, y’all!

(I realize that I didn’t end this post as cleanly as I would have like. But any more writing on this topic and I would have given you a blow-by-blow of the last time I put on Spanx when I got all tangled up in them, fell, cut my elbow, and bruised my ribs on a stilletto. And no on wants to read about that. Particularly not my father, who stops by the read and it probably mortified by all of the detail as it is. Sorry, Dad. I ended the post without a concrete conclusion for you. You’re welcome.) 


Popover: http://www.myrecipes.com/recipe/popovers-10000000604765/
Grimace: http://wellthatsjustgreat.tumblr.com/post/12213125934/i-could-never-write-anything-as-amazing-as-the

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Comments:

  1. Ok was this post suppose to make me laugh as much as it did, or am I just in a strange laughing mood this morning I can tell you I have had some funny `and uncomfortable experiences with spandex and my mind was taking to that when I read this

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