A Man for All Pixels

Full disclosure, I wanted to title this post “And you thought that Trapper Keeper was the tits back in the day.” Typical, I know. Carter, ever the sophisticate, prevailed.

A couple of weeks ago, Apple had an event. I know. You’re welcome for this news break. I apologize for its tardiness. It wasn’t at all well publicized or talked about.

In addition to announcing the release of the Apple Pencil (call me when there’s an Apple Spatula) and the new iPhone 6s (In rose gold! Now we can be pretentious in 4 colors!), the people of Apple announced the release of a new iPad. This new iPad has roughly the same footprint of a 1990’s trapper keeper but is thinner than 3 stacked slices of American cheese.

I’m paraphrasing because I’m hungry.

Guess who wants one. Guess.

Yep. My dearest love.

I don’t fault him wanting the new iPad. He works really hard and has been Scrooging away his birthday and extra budget money to buy one. He really really wants this. This is all well and good.

I like to remind him, however, that when the first iPad was announced, 3,000 years ago, that he was the person who said to his dad, “Pops, why would you want an iPad? They’re just dumb. It’s like 9 iPhones chained together. It’ll never catch on.”

….And then, approximately 3,000 years before that, when we first started dating and our young hero had but a humble flip phone with 12 pixels per screen camera, that I couldn’t even get him to text. “Babe, texting is dumb. It’ll never catch on.” When I would text him, because we lived IN THE FUTURE in 2008, he would immediately call me, hyperventilating that his parents didn’t have texting and why don’t I ever listen and who the hell needs to text anyways.

I couldn’t even get him to ask for texting.

This is definitely one of those age-old toddler-grows-into-a-man stories. You know how you get a baby a really nice gift and all they want to do is play with the f*cking box? And then all of a sudden they realize that there’s a sweet-ass Ninja Turtle My Little Pony in the box and that, well, those are pretty damned sweet-ass, too. And then you get to the point where you don’t even want people to wrap your presents in boxes? You just want them to hand them to you or wrap them in bags or, better yet, just give you a check so that you can go to the store and pull all of the Ninja Turtle My Little Pony boxes off the shelf to get to the one in the very back because nobody else has ever touched it or dropped it and you know your sweet grandma isn’t going to that kind of effort when selecting your present.

Well, Carter in 2008 C.E. was a mere technology infant. Texting was the present and his shitty effing camera phone was the box. And guess what, kittens – he didn’t even use the camera.

Then, Carter is faced with a first generation iPad. But he had an iPhone. He had texting. He had Angry Birds. He was good. He didn’t need your stupid “9 iPhones chained together.”

And now, my sweet love asked for nothing for his birthday but money so that he could go out and buy an even bigger iPad, an iPad that’s like 12 iPhones chained together. Because evolution. Because football season. Because men get Netflix in the bathroom now.

Fry iPhone Meme

That’s growth, kittens.

And, if we’re being perfectly honest, I’m not gonna give him too much shit about this one, for a couple of reasons.

  1. It’s not meth.
  2. He’s such a prince and has been so patient.
  3. When he finally has it in hand, I’ll only have a few more days of having to hear about its specs constantly.
  4. I’ll get the TV, which as we all know is like 40+ iPhones chained together.

I win.

Happy Monday, kittens.

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