Last night, I was making gravy. As those of you who make gravy know, gravy is defined as “an amalgamation of starch, fat, and liquid which, if you turn your back, will congeal or break and ruin your f*cking day.”
It’s not the easiest thing to accomplish. The fats must be right. The thickener must be right. It must simmer and reduce for the right amount of time. It’s not difficult per se, but it requires finesse.
Enter my husband.
CARTER: I’m gonna stir it, babe!
ME: It doesn’t need to be stirred.
CARTER: It’s fine. I’m gonna whisk it.
ME: Please don’t touch it. It’s reducing. It doesn’t need to be stirred.
CARTER: I’m gonna do it. Babe, you just don’t have the culinary instincts that I have.
ME: Dont. Touch it.
CARTER: Give it a little whisk, a little stir, babe. I’m gonna.
ME: I’m gonna crazy person murder you.
CARTER: Well that seems a bit harsh.
ME: Will you hand me a knife?
CARTER: What kind?
ME: A sharp one.
CARTER: Well, not now.
ME: Babe, I need a knife. I have to cut this broccoli.
CARTER: You just told me you were going to, and I quote, “crazy person murder” me and now you’re asking me to hand you a sharp knife.
ME: I can’t right now. You know that. You don’t have any money to dig.
CARTER: Ah, yes. Your plans to dig my gold. You know you’re the worst gold digger ever, babe. Right?
ME: It’s the long con, my love. I’m in it for the long con.
Disclosure: I would never harm this man. Well, I would eat the last piece of Havarti on purpose and I hope to live to be in my eighties just to spite him. But I would never, ever harm him and he knows this. I may be prone to theatrics and exaggeration. It’s my nature. Don’t you dare judge me.
As for the gold digging, contrary to what he says, I am not the worst gold digger in the world. After all, I get to sit around in my
satin pajamas stained sweatpants while I eat bonbons do homework and start a home business and sip on champagne all morning lukewarm coffee all day. So, yea, I think I’m doing pretty well for myself.
Marriage. Lifetime Original Movies, you’re doing it wrong.